Shut yer cakehole critics, it was a difficult angle
A handful of beers, a couple of cuppas, as the TV blares I find myself busting for a wee. Absolutely busting, bladder like a Zeppelin, exquisite discomfort, what have I done? The eternal dilemma, upstairs or downstairs loo? Clatter all the way upstairs and grapple with stair gates, or gamble on the apparent convenience of the downstairs loo (we use it as a cloakroom and a place to stash anything that is a nuisance, which could potentially include small yappy dogs)?
I open the door slowly, fearing an avalanche, and carefully move the buggy out of the doorway. I shift the hoover and wriggle between the coats, inching painfully towards the porcelain and expertly manoeuvre into position. The baby's car seat is on the toilet, which is rather unhelpful and most inconsiderate. I crouch down and lift the toilet seat, the angled ceiling only allows me to lift it a couple of inches. No worries, I think, a couple of inches gives me plenty of room.
Hunched on the floor like a crumpled ball of paper. Left hand supporting the weight of the car seat, right hand pointing and aiming through the gap. Blimey this is dangerous, I think, and wince uncomfortably. The hoover is boring a hole in my shin, the sink is digging into my back, coats are falling all around me, the end of the world is definitely nigh.
For a brief moment I regret everything. Coats, mops and umbrellas collapsing all around me, left wrist straining under the weight of the car seat (shut yer cakehole critics, it was a difficult angle), pain shooting through my shin and up my back, my life flashing before my eyes...
Comments
Thankfully there was a light or I would be wickedly grinning reading about how you went potty in your child's car seat.
Stopping back by to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, Mo! :)
Love the new place.
As for the angle issue, it sounds like you need to make a DVD and sell it as exercise help.
You're kidding. We have to read about you going to the TOILET. Jesus....
And what's this fancy new look bullshit??!
I'm jealous.
And how did you do it??
Dearest Lord, man, how you could toss a whiz in that confinement, I'll never know.
Glad that the relief was sweet and that your wrist didn't break.
My favorite moment was when the kid gave that
"I've pee'd and gone to heaven" sigh
I wasn't going to make any snarky comment about you not being able to hold up a little baby's car seat...I swear! ;->
Like your new digs here - maybe it has bigger bathrooms?
You are pure brilliance. Only you could make going to the bathroom in a closet such a riveting story.
...and here was me thinking that all southerners hovered rather than pointed.
Dear Mo,
Thank you for telling the story about you taking a piss.
Love,
A
Have you thought of tee-shirt photos of the experience?
Perhaps one for each day of the week, with a different photo for each step of the adventure?
New site? Very sneaky.
This is a funny piece. I am wondering why the downstairs is so cluttered, but it's hilariously funny.
I'm relieved that you were relieved, Mo.
Men have it so easy. Imagine if you had a vagina and tried to do that. The feeling of relief would have been even MORE satisfying.
I think I'd have gone upstairs!
Will update my link to you :)
Love the new digs! And this story? What can I say. It sums up the chaos and clutter of life quite well. Oh, and the urgent need for escape and release every now and then. Thanks, as always, for the laugh. I will be back for Mo (hee hee).
Well, that's not something that we learn every day, is it? Maybe you need a little bag next to you as you watch TV. Might make it easier all round. Though not as entertaining.
It appears I'm gonna need my reading glasses when I come here. However, it's GORGEOUS.
you're posting here, you're posting there..
its all very confusing... don't you know by now that i'm not smart enough to follow all this?
OK... it was a very funny picture... not one I'm sure I needed at this hour of the morning, but very funny nonetheless! ;)
LOL! A couple of inches is all you need, huh? I remember when one of my brother's had his wee wee banged by a dropped toilet lid when he was about 4 years old. OMG, that must have hurt! So glad you escaped that fate.
Now, how the hell do I follow you here? Can't find anything that even resembles an RSS feed button!
Sorry, just spotted it! Way too early for me to do anything considered serious!
Sounds like some of the nightmares I have when I have to pee in the middle of the night and haven't woken up yet.
And, yes, how the hell do I follow now? I'm going to have to get my son to come set it up for me and that makes me look bad.
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt (which I hung in the downstairs loo/cloakroom) Ours has a sloping ceiling as well but I find that I can wedge my head against it and stay upright when I return home having had a pint or three too many.
On a technical issue : does the new format allow for "followers"?
Sneaky URL mover!
Peeing when you've stored it up is wonderful. The only feeling I can equate to it is when you're thirsty as hell and you get a nice, long, cold drink. YES!
However, next time, just whip it out and pee in the laundry hamper like everyone else.
What?
Still not spotted the RSS feed button
RSS feed button is orange - top right!
Congrats on the move, dear! Looks great!
This is right up there with you standing naked in front of the wardrobe holding your cell phone when your wife switched the light on.
We have a toilet/closet like that too, just add dangerous stairs to the basement.
I have a little writer's crush on you, btw.
Ha! That was quite the juggle. Hilarious Mo, perfectly hilarious!
I was almost expecting to read that your left hand slipped and you finished peeing on the car seat. ;)
I love your new digs! And I see you've come over the dark side as well - how lovely!
I think you either need a new loo, or more storage space.
Only you could make a trip to the bathroom into an entertaining read, Mo!
Love the new digs.
Nice place you got here Mo.
I just came from a post about a mudroom...whcih I do elieve could help you out over there.
Dyslexic fingers over here...
busting for a wee - HA! That made me giggle.
You didn't miss did you? Sounds like a potential disaster in terms of aiming.
(Took me a minute to figure out how to comment! But all seems well.)
Ha! Perfect story for my Monday morning coffee. My how I know that feeling! Glad it had a happy ending... I was worried for you with that potential snapping toilet lid.
Usually when I'm in this situation, it's coming home from a night out and I have to go so bad, I'm worrying about the 'berries' falling off.
Next time, I'll just stop at your house.
Oh man. Weeing after holding it in for ages is like a religious experience.
Did you tidy up that bathroom after, so that it wouldn't be horrible next time?
Our second toilet is in an exposed corner of our cold mostly dark basement, everytime I'm forced to use that toilet I have a panic attack about spiders and frostbite.
Now that I don't have any little babies I do really realize how much shit they have. That clutter has been replaced by trucks and webkinz.
It's all worth that moment.
Aaah, so this is where you've been hiding yourself.
Well, here and the bathroom anyway.
Well, that was certainly the most eloquently written piece about taking a piss that I've ever had the pleasure of reading!
How are you old friend? Sounds like you have a new little one since I've been gone...Congratulations to your family!
I can't believe you actually made it safely to the right location!
Now. . . tell me again why you didn't choose to go UPstairs????
Ah, sweet release! I'm so glad that stray boxes didn't fall on your head causing you to lose your grip.
Nice new digs, mate.
You went and moved??? Damn it all to hell, I don't do well with change. Now I have to copy and paste a URL, and make sure it's following right....
I pee all the time. I have no sympathy for this. None, man. In fact, I'm considering adult diapers until I get through this baby making phase. Okay, not SERIOUSLY considering, but still....tempting.
I can sympathize with the baby gate dilemma...only in our house there's a gate across practically every doorway. Not having babies anymore, we use 'em to keep our guests corralled in one room...
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