The Cockatoo's Wristwatch
My lager sat on the windowsill. Behind it traffic buzzed, pedestrians ambled and the ubiquitous riff-raff loitered outside MacDonald's. It was remarkably engaging. Life is fascinating when viewed through a pint glass. The bubbles danced in time to Radiohead, or perhaps Radiohead were playing in time to the bubbles, but what caught my attention was the chap at the bar. Coat folded neatly on the bar, hat balanced expertly on top, his usual drinking routine I suspect. Faded t-shirt stretched over his belly. Horizontal stripes never flatter. An unusually prominent bottom lip made him look like a man who is perpetually displeased. A nose like a parrot's beak, jet black hair that - given his age - had to be dyed. He had all the deportment of a gloomy cockatoo. On his left wrist was the tiniest watch I have ever seen. Anorexic black strap and a minuscule face. Seriously, it was so tiny that I can only suppose he had stolen it from a doll. He checked his watch repeatedly, his manner was that of a wanted man. He lifted the beer slowly, peered in the top and then slowly rotated the glass as he scrutinised it from the side. Humph, his expression said, the beer clearly disappointed and he glared at it morosely. He put down the glass with a melodramatic sigh, shot a few conspiratorial glances around the pub, grabbed his coat and hat and left in a hurry. But what was behind the suspicious behaviour? I suspect the infamous Doll Mafia are after him.
Comments
Is MacDonald's like the Scottish branch of McDonald's? :) Do they serve tartan burgers by a surly ginger man with a beard called Jock?
Look at me making fun of my people.
McDonald's in Glasgow years ago sold Irn Bru on tap along with the coke. How cool is that?
People watching is the best. I like your shrewd observations.
Another lovely example of the human race.
I love it when you people-watch, Mo.
Uh...and you had how many pints of that amber liquid? That's a really strange guy you described!
Doubtless he only has so much time left before the effects of his 'enlargement ray' wear off.
Beer is more affordable though if you aren't artificially enlarged.
Mo: Not sure if you got my email - might be in the spam section but thanks for the message
Can't beleived you moved I was missing your updates! Ah the joys of the Doll Mafia
Kate xxx
http://secretofficeconfessions.blogspot.com/
Too-tight horizontal stripes and a doll's wristwatch; I think he was deeply annoyed because no one appreciated his obvious flair for fashion.
I saw a man last weekend with his beard tied three DIFFERENT colors. On purpose! I was so distracted by the beard, I didn't think to look at his wrist. No doubt he had a doll watch on too!
That guy is the reason I gave up on Match.com after one date.
Did he wake up with a My Little Pony head in his bed?
Diane: Nope my old lady is still around, but you may be talking about the ex wife who has gone rather quiet....
I would appreciate it if you didnt rip off my old man.
He murdered his wife whilst arguing over his bad dye job. Instantly full of regret, but still fresh in the moment, he hastily grabbed her watch to remember her by, then fled. Moments later, his wife's body still warm on the cold marble floor, you spied him at the pub contemplating his next move.
It was the cockatoo mafia wanting him to morph back to his bird self after he discovered the secret to the amber liquid.
I once saw a man at the grocery who had died his beard but not his hair (jet black)...to say it was horrifying is an understatement.
If it wasn't the Doll Mafia after him, it was the Femme Fatale Mafia as surely that's a ladies wristwatch!
I think I saw that guy when I was in Leicester Square....
Do you think he could actually read that tiny dial?
I hate watches. Complete nuisances.
You sure that jet black hair wasn't a toupee?
You know what they say, tiny wristwatch, tiny something else.
Blogger keeps insiting that you are at your old blog and not here and refuses to allow me to remove you from my blog roll and put this spot. Good thing you've had that link!
Perhaps that was the only watch he could afford cos he was strapped.
He was clearly a foreign spy. Only spies behave is such an obviously furtive way – if the films are to be believed anyway.
I had no idea you were here and not there and I kinda feel like you snuck out in the middle of the night without telling me. Like my father. Never to be seen again, leaving a huge empty hole in my life.
Except my dad never did that. But it makes a damn good story!
My daughter's doll (whom she calls "Baby") IS missing her watch! Now, how on earth will I track this thief down?
I'd be angry too, if my wrist watch was so tiny.
Only Mo knows the answer to the question, for, after having one pint too many, it was his reflection in the barroom mirror he so aptly described.
Mo, sure you weren't looking in a mirror?
Could he have possibly been an American? If so, you have described Mr. Charleston to a tee...and he does have a small...watch...so I am told.
That character portrait could have been in a book. I would have read that book too! :)
Perhaps it was the American Doll Posse, and that watch belonged to Tori Amos.
I have to say, the Captain's comment wins the prize, though!
I think there was a hair in his beer.
Too funny!!! I also notice odd little things that people wear. A woman at work today also had on a striped shirt that was 2 sizes too small. She looked like she swiped her daughters clothes.
"The bubbles danced in time to Radiohead, or perhaps Radiohead were playing in time to the bubbles ... " Best description of EVER!
There used to be a guy that worked at a department store here that used that spray on hair stuff...not sure if you guys have it over there but it's like hair in a can? Anyway he was starting to bald and he had sprayed his hair back on and was waiting on me and my husband. We were both sitting there with our mouths hanging open and I finally had to leave John to finish up the transaction because I couldn't contain the laughter when he started to sweat and a little river of brown ran down the side of his face. I've never seen anything like it, may need to blog about it at some point. :P
If there is a Doll Mafia..I hope I never cross them. With the parrot beak and jet black hair, perhaps he was blessed with uncanny vision.
you see, I read stuff like this and I think, THIS is the kind of writing one sees in a novel and it totally intimidates me. I freakin loved this one.
Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment as it enabled me to stalk you to this pub where your keen and hilarious observations will keep me coming back for more! Good writing is seldom found and always a pleasure.
Jayne
That was my dad. He stole my watch. bastard.
I loved this description, your hypothesis and the Captain Dumbass comment!
It was me. Sorry
Flip, your comments are hard work. How come you get so many?
I am offline for a few days and you have a new url address?! Ok, I'm back up to speed.
Wait...I've been here already. WTF???
I always think of the J D Wetherspoon in Hammersmith when you write about pubs.....
Man, you can write. I know I am supposed to be immersing myself in the tiny (anorexic) details of this little snippet of human life (and I am) and telling you how funny you are and observant you are (and you are), but I can't get past the talent part. You. Can. Write.
(Thanks for the sage reminder that horizontal stripes never flatter.)
LMAO @ Captain Dumbass ~ Brilliant!
Beautiful post, it's both eloquent and humorous; uniquely Mo. Uniquely Mo? Sounds like a fragrance, I wonder what that smells like.
"Humph, his expression said" ~ So many times I have witnessed this expression. But, now I wonder if anyone has witnessed me doing it. Hmmm..it's very likely!
He got stood up. :( I almost cried for him. Damn hormones.
Oh, gay partnair- where art thou.
Or! He's a private detective. You should stalk him, it may be a juicy story.
This cockatoo man is upset that tomorrow they are to put one of those inverted lamp shade things around his neck so he doesn't bite himself.
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