At the end of the day sequined jackets should be illegal
Miniature Christmas tree, pepper mill, lighted candle. They sat on the table like three wise men or a scene from one of those unutterably dire "incredible journey" movies. An elderly couple arrived and sat at the neighbouring table. She was dressed like a confused goddess, draped in coats, shawls, scarves and things. He was clad almost entirely in black. Jacket, shirt, trousers, shoes, all were black. "Two G&T's," he ordered, "Bombay if you have it."
But the tie, his tie was hideous. Capable of inflicting moral and intellectual damage upon any diner that saw it. Bright red with arty black shapes scattered in wild abandon. I could make out some stars, a couple of squares, numerous squiggles, various giraffe segments and possibly Che Guevara's head. It probably wasn't, he was too posh and too Tory for ol' Che, but it was definitely a head.
His face reminded me of Sam, an old school friend who was affectionately known as "Bam". A pointless detail, you wouldn't know him. Her face rabbitesque, her hair phenomenal, a fluffy mushroom-like bouffant precarious on her head. She looked like a rabbit wearing a World War I helmet. I could just about hear their conversation.
"Your top looks nice," he was saying, "much better than I thought it would." Talk about digging a hole. Restaurant murder: Wife strangles husband with hideous neck-tie.
I never heard Rabbit's response. A party of eight clattered in, eight extravagant well-to-do ladies. Flowing dresses, monstrous rings, necklaced to the hilt, designer glasses, massive hair-dos. One of them in a sequined jacket, I thought those things were illegal. The largest of the eight was licking her fingers. I kid you not, it must have been anticipation - no food had been served.
On the way out we had to navigate past two black bears that were fighting in the doorway. Turns out they were old ladies, not bears and they weren't fighting either, they were grappling with the zips on their giant black fur coats. Easy mistake to make.
Comments
You've certainly painted a scene here.
One I'm so glad I didn't witness.
I pray your eyesight has returned to normal.
I've never been to an expensive restaurant and I have no wish too. I just wouldn't know how to act like a lady. I'd have a hard time pretending to be elegant and reserved.
I have seldom come across description this good combined with a perfect economy of language. One is left saying to oneself "yes, I know what he means" throughout. You are a master at it.
You didn't like the tie?
Women with big hair and fur coats? Well, that sounds like Dallas / Ft. Worth...
Great writing. But why hate on the tie.
And Eric, the DFW is awesome.
Your upscale restaurant patrons are as well painted as the train and bus commuters. I could picture it all, like a scene in a movie.
BTW Did you make up the word rabittesque?
Hmm, must be Christmas.
If you ask me they ought to be illegal all day
Sounds to me like you were on the set of Designing Women.
Oh, my dear... This is rich indeed. Much enjoyed. Thank you. - Jayne
The licking of the fingers...LOL What an evening that was!
Who licks their fingers before food arrives?
Which parts of the giraffe appeared on the tie? Hooves? Ears? One long hind leg?
I look fantastic in sequins I'll have you know.
Mo, how many times do I have to tell you, McDonalds isn't a restaurant. Take your Wife somewhere nice for a change.
The holidays really bring out the best of our special occasion attire. Sequined jackets are just the beginning. What about holiday vests and matching hair bows?
Rubbish's comment just made my day!
Ha! Reminds me of meals out with my grandmother that were supposed to be "treats" and ended up being horror shows.
thank you didn't shoot those be..women, sorry
Hey now, in the right setting a sequined jacket would be f.a.b.fabulous.
Yet another Elvis sighting.
Beloved and I are planning a tour of the UK in a summer or two. Please forward me a list of restaurants to either avoid or take my camera to. I'd want photographic evidence.
Quite a visual image! I imagine these ladies would make excellent rugs for a ski lodge. Cozy.
Fur coats creep me out -- like the lampshades the Nazis made from human skin. Ewww!
Easy mistake, indeed. Did that once. Accidently clubbed an old lady I thought was a bear trying to attack me...turns out she just wanted directions.
Very nice. I liked the "Restaurant murder: Wife strangles husband with hideous neck-tie." bit especially.
The sequined jacket gave you pause? :-)
Fantastic. I mistake fur-clad old ladies for black bears all the time too. Especially here in NYC. And sequined jackets are illegal. I checked.
(This post was better than I thought it would be.)
Well slap me right in the ol' coinkydink... I wore a necktie much like that one this past weekend, and even have pictures of it.
Dang...
:-)
Where did you eat? I'm looking for some good blog fodder...
Shame you missed the ladies response to neck tie. I'm sure it was interesting.
I'm also fairly sure I would have stood up and strangled him with the tie had it been me.
I see nothing wrong with big, puffy hair. Especially big, puffy, blue hair.
Just sayin'.
When I'm really old I want to have a million giant rings on my gnarled claw-fingers, and a fabulous, floor-length (faux) fur coat.
I used to wear things with sequins. And spandex.
Required for dance, you know.
The sequined jacket died with Michael Jackson. RIP King of Pop (and sequins).
xoxo
I worked in a restaurant for a lot of years. This was funny to me!
what a delicious post...but i wont lick my fingers...lol. dressed like a confused goddess...love it. its fun sometimes to sit in the restaurant and just watch who comes through the door...so did you check the headlines today? did the hubby bite it? lol.
It really grosses me out when people lick their fingers. Really .... (shudder!)
No sorry... I'm no having that! I've been through your neck of the woods, and nobody there wears a tie above belt level.
I really enjoy your easy writing style. Very nice.
A lot of big hairdo's in that place. 80's Cafe?
Did you take bets on the battling old lady/bear hybrids?
They do get feisty just before they hibernate. That's old ladies for you.
The bears wrestling in the doorway made me laugh out loud.
And sequins? Gah!
You are hilarious - I'd love to read a novel written by you.
ah, if i could only count the number of old ladies i've shot in the woods, thinking mistakenly that they were black bears....
Wonderfully descriptive Mo, I feel like I was right there with ya. The woman licking her fingers has me puzzled though -- maybe she had been to Kentucky Fried Chicken before knowing she wouldn't get enough to eat at the fancy restaurant? ;->
I can't believe I almost missed this gem. I've got to be more careful in the future.
I'm loving this term: rabbitesque. I'd stay far far away from her.
"The largest of the eight was licking her fingers. I kid you not, it must have been anticipation – no food had been served." ~ Killed me, as I pictured her doing it so eagerly.
I used to rock a sequin jacket. I really, REALLY LOVE it. I mean *ahem* I lovED it, as in some time ago in my life love and not present time love..because once one has been properly intervened then one realizes that loving a sequin jacket is absurd and unheard of.
I'm all better now...really I am.
OK. I'm new to here, granted. I know nothing about you. Do you write for a living, or just for fun? Because you certainly know how to paint a vivid picture (and if you say for fun, I will hate you. Big bright green hate!)
Who are you? And what do you do?
Sequins are best done in moderation. Though, I've broken that rule in the past.
This was a very cool post.
i bet the fur could take a sequin jacket in a fight, provided the ref didn't allow any sequins to be detatched and used as weapons.
okay...so I had a really great comment to make and then I had to go through all these steps to find out how to comments and fill in all this stuff to do so -- and then had to go BACK and figure out which arabic button to push to update my thing so I would go to the right address....
Well, now I forgot what I was gonna say and am too lazy to try to figure it out because that was like WORK man...WORK. Don't ever move again.
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