The Little Red Box
The box aroused my curiosity. Not being a cat I wasn’t worried. A little red wooden box, quaint and innocent, mounted on a badly-painted red wall. The box had a door, suspiciously without a handle. Now why would there be no handle? Scratched on the door was the word ‘help’. I got out my keys and set to work. Five minutes later I was still at it, hacking frantically at the box. The door swung open...
I woke up in an antiquated pub that I didn’t recognise. Groggy, confused and with a throbbing head. It was crowded. Muttering, clinking, men telling tales, little round tables with little round stools. They dragged me to a table in the corner where a dodgy-looking character in a Manchester United shirt tapped away on his laptop. Cigarette in one hand, whiskey in the other, a flickering candle setting the scene. “Sit down,” he said, “let me get you a drink.” “There’s only one Leeds United,” I said, regretting it immediately, he obviously hadn’t recovered.
Elegance walked over, a lady in red, heels clicking on the ancient floorboards. She set a tall glass of beer on the table. German it was, Erdinger perhaps, or Schneider’s Wiesen Edel Weiss, it’s hard to differentiate with such a throbbing head. “I’d have preferred a stout,” I said.
“My name,” he said, “is X, and I'll get you a stout in a minute you pernickety sod. I represent the Illuminati. The red box is a teleportation device, a portal to wherever we want. I got it installed last week, knew you couldn’t resist. I’ll cut to the chase. We like your blog. The observational humour, the wit, the beer. We’d like you to blog for us, be the Illuminati’s representative for the blogosphere, you know, give us a friendly, modern feel and all that, we're fed up of all the bad press. We’ll pay you very well, give you anything you want.”
“No thanks,” I said, “I won't do anything for a Manchester United supporter.” Seconds later I fell out of the red box onto the floor. X, Elegance and Schneider’s Wiesen Edel Weiss were nowhere to be seen.
OK, so I made all of that up, you got me there. I'm possibly crazy, a total fruitcake. But I do wonder what is inside the little red box, mounted above the urinals in the Old Bell Tavern. Maybe next time I’ll force open the door with my keys and take a look.
Comments
You're not crazy; you're just a pernickety sod.
Hey - the Illuminati says so.
Are you CRAZY? the guy said anything you want! Man U FAIL. Der.
Maybe you need to rethink being so persnickety...send us a postcard when you open that red box, willya? ;)
If there's a little red box in the ladies room in any bar or restaurant in the surrounding area that even possibly leads me to Adam Lambert's (American Rock God) band where they want me to become his personal blogger? I'm prying that thing open tout de suite.
Good one, Mo. Really, really good. :-)
think of all the secrets you are missing out on...hmm...little red boxes...curiousity would overcome me.
I fear you have watched one-too-many Doctor Who episodes.
But I'm thoroughly enjoying your condition.
Well, if you weren't such a pernickety sod you'd have found out that the red box acutally teleports you HERE.
Wow. What a fun story....imagine the possiblities!! Where would you go?
Ahem, am I the only one wondering if "little red box" is a euphemism?
I would definitely have also pried open that little red box... and wonders will never cease... it placed you in a pub!!
Hah, laughing with OWO (everyone loves a little red box).
On a more serious matter, are you saying that I should not purchase a Manchester jersey (even though most people in the US don't keep up with the premier league)?
You do realize, don't you, that this piece is begging for a Part II?
Total fruitcakes are my favorite- the human kind that is. Not the bready/cakey kind. Those are disturbing.
I wonder what is inside everyone's little red box. Because everyone has one, you know. And some are more disturbing than others.
Hot German's, beer and the promise of money? I could overlook Man U.
Open the box.
Your writing style is just my cup of tea. And bringing attention to the existence of the Illuminati through humor is pure genius. Well done.
Beer snob. Liked the tale though. Fuck Manny. You are slightly crazy though. This is highlighted by the fact that you actually visit my blog. Tit for tat.
Don't do it Mo! Remember what happened with Pandora!! She opened the box and unleashed all the evils of the world upon mankind.
But it is also said that at the very bottom of the box there lay hope.
Or was it soap?
Yeah, maybe that's just where they keep the soap ...
It figures the Illuminati would drink light beer.
fruitcake, crazy for pretending you climbed into red box and were hired to write a blog for a man named "X' and his establishment? hell yeah
Writing for the Illuminati? That would certainly be interesting... except for the fact that they'd have to kill you once you learned their secrets.
Keep staring at that red box!
If a box could drop me inside a pub every time I'd open it, I'd be peeing at the urinal myself!
Well, you HAVE TO now because suddenly we're all curious too!
And what pill did you eat Mo-Alice?
Don't mess with the Illuminati, my friend...
And isn't anyone in a Manchester United shirt dodgy by default? Blasted Red Devils...glad to see you stuck to your principles!
I wrote about my little red box today too. : )
Probably says, "Nosy bugger, aren't you?" on the inside.
Or there's a camera in there taking pictures of you doing your business.
You sure that was a 'red' box? I would be prying it open!
Really? I could have fooled me. I totally bought the story about the teleportation device. =)
What makes you think you didn't fall into the little red box? This is one of those Existential moments. You thought, therefore you did. I have it on good authority the reason you were rejected had nothing to do with Manchester United, but more to do with the willie still in your hand when you entered the box.
No one with that much curiosity and intrigue over a little red box could possibly be a persnickety sod.
But do tell when you explore the box....
You're a wee bit crazy. But in the best possible way!
The little red box contains a streaming viewer of my living room, in which I'm dancing around singing "dodgy, dodgy, dodgy" over and over again. Because I freakin' love it when you use that word. Eff pernickety; give me dodgy any day.
I guess this 'United' stuff is soccer talk?
And.
Red is my favorite color.
Oh, you must open the box!
Manchester United - isn't that where we got David Delicious Beckham from? Can't be all bad...
Dreaming of elegance in red, and little red boxes can only mean one thing:
You are giving your Mrs. a Ruby bracelet for St. Valentine's Day!
Either that or you are really off your rocker.
I heartily applaud you. Do not associate with United or their denizens. No good can come of it.
I never had a clue that this was fiction! LOL
Well, we both used a form of the word urine in our posts today, maybe we should start a meme, called peepee tuesday! LOL!
Hmm, I wonder if this X guy is associated with a t-shirt company? A friend gave me a t-shirt that says "Illuminaughty -- We are everywhere, and we know what you like" - she most likely found this shirt in a little red box above some urinals.
I'm wondering if it's an euphemism, too.
The great thing about the blogosphere is that nobody is "crazy." We are "interesting."
If there isn't a morality tale about opening strange boxes in bathrooms there probably should be.
What fun! Something so mysterious as that begs a good flight of the imagination. Now you've got me wondering what the heck is in that box. And what a place to put it!
Trying to pry open the Little Red Box that is this cryptic post. Can't quite do it. What's inside Mr. "pernickety sod"? Do tell.
(Or don't.)
Signed,
Elegance
Dude, you need to do something about your ethics. The man said, "anything you want," and you're worried about which soccer, (okay, football), team he supports?
You missed your opportunity to enlighten the illuminati on their choice of teams, too.
Cool! Weird, but cool.
Leeds?
OPEN THE BOX!!
This is what you think of while you take a piss. Bravo, my man, bravo.
I like the Wondering better. It's probably just got urinal cakes in it or something.
I hope I'm not too late. I used to be the Illuminati and CatLadyLarew is right, they will kill you. At the very least, they will take your manhoodlyness thingy. DO NOT DO IT..open the box, that is. What the deuce do you think happened to Michael Jackson, dude?
Can ladies use this little red box too? Or is it only available for gentlemen callers?
Oh I am too curious I would have to know...
Kate xx
http://secretofficeconfessions.blogspot.com
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