Pint-sized Crime Stories (Crime Writing Festival)
Sorry about my absence last week, I was sick and then needed some time out. Sue me if you like. Rubbish has been sending abusive texts all week and apparently Braja was distraught. It's nice to be missed.
Anyway, while I've been absent the Theakstons Old Peculier Crime Writing Festival (Harrogate) has had a programme launch. Old Peculier, incidentally, is one of my favourite beers.
Esther Leach, of Yorkshire Life, challenged us, the laypeople, to write a ten word crime story, and even suggested there might be a pint for the best one. Blimey. I texted a couple of mates and here's what they came up with. Some take a few liberties regarding apostrophes, but I'll let them off:
- Mum's boyfriend's still missing. He would've liked the new patio. (Flix)
- Dog ate dog food. Tin unopened. No sign of Trevor. (Flix)
- "Can't...unnh...breathe...you're...standing...on...my...unnh...unnh..." "Throat?" (Flix)
- BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! "Er, you missed." (Flix)
- The scream, the shot, Mother had been murdered by Father. (Maryanne)
- Never saw his killer. Friend jailed. But it was me. (Ray)
- While stamping books, she saw the body in the library. (Edward)
- She saw the murder but was the silent witness: mute. (Bion)
- Inspector flatulence examined the assembled family and pronounced them drunk. (Peet)
- Murderous crowd, hauled him high, nailing him to the cross. (Danny)
- Man steals can of baked beans from local Sainsbury's store. (Di Marco)
- Whirlwind bereft of mercy buffeted:Wallet gorged; my curses drank! (Jamie)
Jamie then moved into a league of his own, telling a tale about smuggling illegal aliens while using the numbers one to ten:
- Juan, to free foreigners, thrived successfully, serving native ninnies tension.
My own entries:
- House asleep, shadows creep, floorboards creak. Crunch...crumbs...biscuits gone.
- Stormy night, frantic quacks. A duck, dead, killed by Fred. (no collection of crime stories is complete without a gruesome farmyard murder)
- Dead man found with crow in his mouth. RSPCB outraged.
- Jack killed Jill on the hill then swallowed deadly pill.
- Inspector baffled. Hotel and guests vanish. Replaced by butchers.
Go on, write me a ten word crime story. I know there are some brilliant minds among you.
Comments
Shades drawn. Area rug missing. Dead poodle. Lights left on.
.-= Nej´s last blog ..Mostly Wordless Wednesday: Tools of the Trade =-.
Mo writes so well it's a crime for jealous followers
Teacher slaughtered, students relieved, irregular verbs proven to be lethal.
Muffins gone. Crumbs aplenty. Dog under bed
'would have liked the new patio' was a fantastic line.
And wait, is the duck dead or was it a metaphorical dead duck?
Mine:
Victim played roulette with Russians, but they had semiautomatic weapons.
Old Peculiar, incidentally, WAS one of my favorite beers, back when I could drink them.
In the shadows, a knife's blade gleams, then madness follows.
Her body lies in the shallows, her throat open wide.
Baby's high heeled foot pumped the brakes, to no avail.
Jamie's last one is genius. Also love the first one.
Mo goes missing for a week. Returns to win contest?
Empty plate. Footprints on the counter. Cat asleep. Innocence doubtful.
(Welcome back, Mo!)
Shifty teenager swipes crisps. Test passed. In the club now.
Missing eyeshadow found in sister’s bag. Brutal stabbing, gleeful dance.
Hung the laundry out to dry. My knickers were nicked!
;-)
I think you should win a six-pack at least Mo! (Is there such a thing as six-pack pints? There should be.)
Laughing at Mo's post, the hard candy stuck, choking her.
He made her weep. Now he's buried six feet deep.
Wasn't beauty that killed the beast, it was my hammer.
Unemployed husband murdered for insurance money. Blog cancelled.
Ha! Eight! Honey, what's that in your hands-
*gah*
dang, these are good...
i told you, you were not alone, should have listened.
hows the pate, i made it myself, with my husband.
shuup, bang, shuup, bang, shuup, bang...heads hit each stair.
My favourite was the ‘buried under the patio’ one. Brilliant. But here’s my contribution…
Screams were heard, but no body was found; only bloodstains.
these are all so clever
I'm a dense clod
:<
Ten words seems a bit long Mo. Here's mine.
For sale, wedding dress, unused.
I'll have a think and post some more later.
I got a call.
I heard them scream,
Good bye.
^ Its either really brilliant or it's not, we'll see :P Sorry for not stopping by more often, busy things
Menopausal woman raids Tim Horton's; eats everything. Film at 11.
I stabbed him with an icicle. The murder weapon melted
Brit Blogger missing after light beams up duck. Police investigate.
Child star Boner has gone missing. The investigation seems flaccid.
(For those outside the US: http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/TV/02/22/growing.pains.actor.missing/ind...)
This is my fave... Mum’s boyfriend’s still missing. He would’ve liked the new patio
I have nothing.
Dangit! The link worked 5 seconds ago. Try this one instead: http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/TV/02/22/growing.pains.actor.missing/ind...
My favorite is the new boyfriend gone missing one...
As for me and my foggy brain? I got nothin'. :)
Guns, knives, bombs, poisons: so many jerks, so little time.
Rico washed his hands. Blood on the bills wouldn't do.
Dead body, tower's base. Shadowy figure dissolves into the fog.
You woke in Vegas with a dead body & empty wallet.
haha..I cheated and am not counting the ampersand.
And seriously, could I top Otin? No.
I got nothin' but praise. "... He would have liked the patio." Genius.
My husband fell off a cliff. So did his mistress.
Oooo. San Diego Momma is brilliant!
Where's the remote control? Bloody kids. I'll kill 'em
Is he dead? No, just three pints of Old Peculier
Ooh, ooh, another one:
Inspector Colon searched in vain for the lost word
I LOVE THIS!!!
She saw the body, her bloody hands, her mind was blank.
The detective's stomach churned like his only clue, the maggots.
Tarnished reputation and bruised egos collide in golfing cart incident.
Hmmm, that first one makes me sound like an even sicker puppy than you, Mo! And, yes, I can't believe I haven't been around in so long... an investigation into your archives is pending.
Inspector flatulence. Hahaha. Brilliant
Dead. An Eel up his butt. Something smells fishy here.
******
Coke and Mentos... gone. Outside a muffled explosion is heard.
******
Send my prizes wrapped in pretty paper and ribbons, thanks!
Blood splattered everywhere as wife enjoyed her steak.
In an unexpectedly postmodern twist, the butler actually did it.
Cook proudly served the roast with poison mushroom gravy. Delicious!
I had to.
ocljlwijlmcds
Mo-not even going to try as I suck at the suspense. So? I comment on you "taking liberties with apostrophes" I loved that statement!
Bewildered, blood drenched, albino wanders street humming Coldplay's "Fix You".
Strange, mutilated, paper-mache dolls were left in their place.
Erotic asphyxiation left five dead and more than ten unsatisfied.
I need to give this some more thought.
Twist of lime with that sir, no thanks replied Bond. (No twist in this story).
One shot, two bodies, the poisoned tequila worked a treat.
The mouse lay partially stunned and cheesed off, damned cat.
Don't move this is the Police, said drummer Stewart Copeland.
gun on her desk, letter says "I'm in China".
"One shot, two bodies, the poisoned tequila worked a treat." ~ Love it!
Stewart Copeland? LMAO..brilliant!
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