The Insect and the Pistachio
They wandered into the restaurant with purpose, determination and if I'm honest, laughable coordination. She was thin, very thin, and he was fat, very fat. As they read the menu he kept touching her. A gentle squeeze of the hand, a rub down the back, an occasional tickle of the ear with a movement like a maid dusting a vase. Quirky to the extreme and (bless him) exceptionally chivalrous.
She wore extraordinary glasses, black and orange, giving her the bizarre appearance of some sort of exotic insect, accentuated by the fervent way she sucked her G&T through a straw. He was probably a banker and in all probability, a rich one with a penchant for fatty foods. Neatly and uncomfortably encapsulated in his suit, he looked like a pistachio bursting from its shell. But what struck me was their coordination.
"In a moment," I said to my wife, "glance over your shoulder. The couple over there are in matching pin-striped suits. What would lead anyone to do that?" She waited a moment. "Some couples like to coordinate outfits," she said, glancing over my own attire as if to remind us that we were not that type of couple.
I'm not one to psychoanalyse (would I ever?) but seriously, why would any couple wear matching pin-striped suits? Matching to the extent that the stripes were of equal thickness and frequency, fitted no doubt by the same tailor, she in a black blouse, he in a black shirt. In a game of Suit Snap it would be, well, unequivocally snap.
"What shall we wear tonight darling?"
"How about our matching Levis and white shirts?"
"What are we, a pair of Texans? Besides, it's a slightly up-market Italian place, how about our identical green polo-necks?"
"They're both in the wash, we wore those on Tuesday remember? Let's go for our matching pin-striped suits."
"Excellent idea, and they fit so perfectly too, I LOVE that tailor, and it will give us that dubious Mafia look."
"Nobody should ever be that coordinated. It's hilarious," I said. "Mind if I take a few notes?"
"Suit yourself," said my wife, and I might have noticed a slight eyeball-roll. "I'm going to the ladies' room," she said.
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I'd wager ca$h money that it was her idea.
I wonder if they matched their underclothes too.
Kinky.
Love the title!!
Perhaps the fact that they are so physically opposite drives them to matchy-match when out in public? I don't understand it, either. Usually when someone wears something just like another while out, embarrassment ensues followed by a dash to Target for a new shirt!
If I ever get roped into matching outfits, I'll either run away right there, or take my own life. Whichever seems quicker.
I'm fascinated by the matching couples phenomenon. I'm not even joking here, I am fascinated. I want to stalk them and see what else they do that's identical. My theory is, those people have crawl spaces under their house where they put the bodies after they've dressed their victims just like clones of themselves.
I think, all of it, was the delusional thinking of the Pistachio. As we all know, tubby bankers never like to eat alone. What with all the hours he has put into his work, he barely has time for himself, let alone the time to meet women. So every now and then, he calls upon the Madam that he pulled some strings for once upon a time and arranges a date of sorts. Tubby banker, should never appear to need the company of call girls. So it was him,the Pistachio, who put this ill conceived plan of ultimate matching together. Because, wouldn't you believe that if the couple matched so precisely that they were married and in love? Ahh, the power of delusion; I would bottle it up and take over the world..if I could.
My husband and I used to accidentally find ourselves dressed alike from time to time, though never in matching pinstriped suits. We'd emerge from the bathroom/bedroom in jeans and a black sweater, for instance.
We also find ourselves ordering the same thing at restaurants 9 times out of 10.
Clearly, we're massive dorks.
to my knowledge my wife and i have only matched twice. one of us eventually changed. oh my...
I'm with Brian. If an accidental match occurs it is quickly corrected. We'll save the matching track suits for our retirement years.
Guess husband and I should discard our matching pinstripes then? :)
What do you think the coordination meant to camouflage or convey? Discord? Distress? Desperation?
(Love the image of you jotting notes while on a date with the wife! Ah, the life of a writer.)
A pistachio? That is brilliant! I am going to steal it someday.
There's something disturbing about adults who coordinate outfits. Maybe the Insect always wished for a twin growing up?
It's wrong. Flat wrong.
I love the descriptions - the bug and the nut. Brilliant.)
Okay, I only wore matching outfits with a date once. And it was by pure accident too. We both showed up in black leather jackets, black Boy London t-shirts (cut me some slack - it was 1992!), rolled denim jeans and Doc Martens.
It was embarrassing as all hell.
I HATE it when couples do that dress-alike thing! I'd make Mr. Blognut either change his clothes or stay home!
Hey! No need to drag Texas into this.
Maybe they were enroute to the Renaissance Festival or something and wanted to be able to find each other easily in the crowd if they got separated. It's a safe bet no one else would be wearing a pin striped suit with a black shirt.
Pistachio. I can see that.
I think I want to match now.. just for fun ;0)
An entire wing of my closet is nothing but Levi's and white shirts.
*sigh* I've never owned a pair of Levis in my life, you know.
Once Beloved and I found ourselves dressed in very matching colors and lines, quite unconsciously. He went back and changed.
Maybe it was a dare? Weird. Good story
I love that sort of people watching!
There was a guy where I used to work who had a photo of himself and his wife dressed identically in striped green polo shirts, khakis, and docksiders. At first, I was surprised to hear he was married because I'd always thought he was gay but when I saw the photo I was certain he was simply closeted.
I am not matching anyone! LMAO!!
Great images Mo. There used to be an elderly couple on my bus that always wore matching jogging suits - the kind with the stripes on the side. They had one in every color - even pink - which he WORE too! Ya gotta give him some kudos for that. :)
An observation I made long ago regards Pistachios is that their inane feelings of insecurity gives rise to such behavior as you witnessed. They have a need to conform, fit in, be one of the boys, mates, dudes. And they demand the same of their partners. Hence the bizarre clothing ritual. True they are a little nuts, but hey, who are we to judge.
There's an idea that I do not get at all. But they certainly got attention didn't they?
I don't think my husband and I own a single thing we could coordinate even if we tried. Thank God.
....and then your wife came out dressed as you?
where is the damn picture? You draw them well with your words, true, but this time, a photo, I would have loved to have seen these two odd birds
That truly takes togetherness too far. They are deeply troubled. Take pity on them.
Often see seniors in matching track suits but... dining out in matching pinstripes? Don't want to see this but glad you did so you could tell us about it!
Maybe they were also a performance act?
twins?
Pinks and greens don't suit me. I think I'm safe.
she must swing from the chandeliers...its the only thing I can think of as proper incentive for him to agree to wear a matching suit. Clearly, a man would never suggest this....
We mix and match on occasion, but let me tell you... those thongs kill the crack of your arse after the first 15 minutes perched way up there on a high bar stool.
(Behind on my email... all ok though)
I would have loved to see a picture. I bet the man was secretly mortified!
Crap, I hate getting here late, all of the good comments are already taken. All I've got is: Maybe they just came from auditioning for a Janet Jackson video.
"that mafia look" I love it! Very funny post. Glad I dropped in.....
But what I need to know is ... was he wearing matching stilettos?
The insect and the pistachio? I can picture it perfectly.
I would hate to think how you would describe me!
At least they didn't look like each other. Nothing creepier than a couple that physically resemble each other, AND wearing matching clothes!
Mo, two things I loved: #1 For me, coordination started out meaning agility and then only when you were ready to explain did it mean matching. #2 The pistachio image, in a nutshell, was fabulous.
That whole matchy matchy thing is absolutely insane! That must never happen and if it should occur accidentally, it must be remedied immediately.
My husband and I used to both have leather pants. That we wore at the same time.
Yes, really.
Whoa Mo! No disrespecting Texas! :) PS: Cowboys wear Wranglers.
Too funny, I wish you'd snapped a picture but I can see it very clearly in my mind the way you described it!
Wow, once I showed up at my sister's house and we were wearing the same headband and had the same gym bag. I almost refused to go out with her because of it.
I love the made-up conversation. Priceless.
No self-respecting Texan would be caught dead in twin striped mafia suits. Trust me on that one.
I would also venture a guess that the Mister was conned by the Missus into wearing that get-up. Likely there was nookie attached to his conformity.
HAH! That is funny. I totally have seen that couple. We have one here at the embassy that wear coordinated color outfits and say things like, "we're fixin to go do blah blah.." Now I'm starting to say fixin....uggh
very funny!
Loved the descriptions that informed the title. Brilliant.
these comments absolutely cracked me the hell up!
now I'm craving nuts.
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