Enchanted Legumes: the other side of the bean

Captain Dumbass, of Us and Them, is quite probably my hero. When he isn't taking photos of Lego men, constructing intricate scenes using nothing but dodgy-looking food stuffs, or bribing his sons to hold hilarious signs, he has the ability to knock out stories like this one. The man is a genius. Over to you fella.

“And then she actually has the nerve to say to me… what? No, right in front of everyone! Everyone! I know, right? Wait. Hold on a second, Mary.” Evelyn Longstep took the phone from her ear and peered around her kitchen. She tilted her head to the left and right as she searched for what she hoped was just her imagination and not what she thought she had heard. The morning sunlight streamed in the kitchen’s east facing windows, brightening even the spaces under the counters and stove, something that regularly irked Mrs. Longstep as it only meant more for her to clean up whenever she had guests.

As she was about to continue her gossip with Mrs. Towers from down the lane she saw something move behind one of the stoves legs and shrieked. She dropped the phone on the counter and leapt onto her chair. “Derrick!” she screamed. Receiving no response she huffed and picked up the phone. “No, I’m fine, Mary. I’ve got another one in the house. I know! If we could just put down some poison we’d be done with them for good, but no, Derrick has to trap them and let them go every time. They’re pests! What does it matter if we kill them? You know there’s always a dozen more once you’ve seen the first one. What? Hold on,” she said. “Derrick!”

“I swear that man sleeps like the dead. No, he’s still working nights. Sorry, what were you asking before? Oh, the coins. No, it was a hen last time, coins before that. Those damn things will steal anything, if you’ll pardon my language. Come to think of it, this one looks a lot like those two… Gah! That man! I’ll bet you a dollar that it is the exact same one. Well, if he doesn’t kill it this time, I will, this is ridiculous. Ugh! They’re such wretched little things. Oh! There it goes, there it goes. Wait! It’s got his music player. That will get his sorry hide out of bed for a change. One moment, Mary,” she lowered the phone before hollering out to her husband. “Derrick! Derrick! Don’t you ‘what woman’ me! We’ve got another human in the house and this time he’s got your little harp. Yes, he’s already gone.”

“Lord, Mary. That definitely lit a fire under him. Wonder if he’d move that fast if they carried me out of here one day. Ha! I doubt it too. Maybe this time he’ll actually do something about it. Anyway, where were we? Right! So did she say anything to you? Well, that doesn’t surprise me one bit. That woman-“ Mrs. Longstep’s head jerked up at a cry from her husband. “Derrick? Derrick!? Oh, Mary, I think he’s fallen. I have to go now. Derrick!”