I've never seen a badger move so fast
It cruised into the car park with a cacophony of classless rumbling. Suspended low, spankingly shiny, it’s the sort of car Rubbish drives until he gets caught for road-tax evasion. Blue, tinted windows, mounted by a massive spoiler, the Mitsubishi farted like a petulant child on a baked-bean diet. It circled the car park slowly and carefully, as if practicing for a souped-up “check out my car” curb crawl, eventually finding a spot in the far corner.
We eagerly awaited the appearance of the driver, gleefully speculating... “Spotty 17-yr-old?” “Boy-racer?” “Mid-life crisis?” A mature gentleman clambered out of the car. Suited, tied, immaculately presented, his tiny round spectacles giving him a badger-like appearance. Don’t ask me why, it’s not as if badgers wear spectacles, although to be fair, they may well do when driving. Come to think of it, he reminded me of Badger from Wind in the Willows and while I'm on the subject, I’ll bet Toad would have loved the Mitsubishi.
He wandered round the car for a half a minute or so, inspecting, scrutinising, gently wiping the glass. Then he ambled across the car park towards us, glancing over his shoulder every few metres to, I dunno, check that it hadn’t been crapped on by a pigeon. He looked a tad paranoid too, as if he sensed he was being watched. Funny that. It’s not as if there were thirty of us crowded at the windows above.
What followed was sublime. As soon as he reached the far side of the car park the Mitsubishi’s alarm went off, shrill and piercing enough to make your ears bleed. He scampered back to the car fumbling for his keys. I've never seen a badger move so fast.
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oh but i rather like badgers...have you ever stopped to watch them. they certainly know what they are doing...
.-= brian miller´s last blog ..Magpie Tales: Their dance =-.
This one didn't!
If i ever saw a badger wearing spectacles i'd probably poo in my pants...
.-= Slyde´s last blog ..Facebook Is The Devil =-.
"Hello, is this the Badger Union? Yep? Great, well could you send some spectacled badgers over to a particular house? Hold on, I'll just get his address."
Hey man, what's your address?
Silly badger! Wonderful vignette, as usual, Mo. :)
.-= Rochelle´s last blog ..Naming my Tat and Stuff =-.
Thanks Flamenco!
Me too, let's be honest here, we've all done it. Just not n such spectacular fashion1
You said it girl, you can always tell one by their car.
He sounds super hot and awesome. Why can't I find a good man like that?
.-= the mama bird diaries´s last blog ..a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown =-.
Well you could always start by buying your man a trashy sports car...
There is nothing funnier than a mid life crisis... my Dad went through a stag of putting mascara on his beard to hide the grey bits... but shhhh don't tell him, it embarrasses him now ;0)
.-= Eternally Distracted´s last blog ..Confused? I am... =-.
I'll bet that is a running joke in the family now? Or is it forbidden to talk about it?!
I love the allusion. I can perfectly picture him.
.-= Jeanne´s last blog ..Old Joke #41 =-.
Mission accomplished!
Let me be the first to say it:
Badgers? We don't need no stinking BADGERS!
.-= Scope´s last blog ..Last Weekend =-.
Especially ones with noisy cars.
.-= Mo´s last blog ..I’ve never seen a badger move so fast =-.
I can't believe my line was already usurped!!!! damn.
road tax? you actually have a tax that WE don't have?! Please don't tell too many people about it - or, we'll have it installed next month.
.-= Tristan Robin´s last blog ..If It's Sundy, It Must Be a No-Theme Post ... =-.
Oh I'm sure Obama is already thinking about it.
I didn't realize even Badger's go through a mid-life crisis. ;)
.-= Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)´s last blog ..Rename Stacy’s Blog – Poll Time! =-.
Evidently so. Middle-aged badgers are the very worst.
Badgers most certainly wear spectacles. And neckties. I didn't know that they had an affinity for farting automobiles, however.
.-= TheKitchenWitch´s last blog ..EEK! It's Big! And Green! =-.
I'm surprised the DVLA grants them licenses if I'm honest.
I don't think I have come across anyone who can lift a moment out of time, a moment when nothing particularly earth-shattering happens, and make it special through nothing other than descriptive finesse. And, as with all your pieces, it is perfectly balanced.
Thanks Alan, as always an encouragement!
I hate it when people (ok, its always men) do that check check check, wipe, glance lovingly thing at their cars. BOO! Get a woman, retard.
.-= Aly´s last blog ..Repost: I suppose I do look quite tasty =-.
You tell 'im. Next time, I'm gonna bring you along to egg the car.
I love your observations. And, oddly enough, I was just thinking of the Wind in the Willows yesterday when a neighbor informed me she had seen a stoat in her garden!
.-= Amy @ The Bitchin' Wives Club´s last blog ..Venice.... With Children =-.
A stoat or a stout? I'd prefer a stout any day.
I'd hate to be Mrs. Badger.
.-= Elise´s last blog ..Man under suspicion =-.
Me too!
I think he's overcompensating because he has a small penis, and ain't getting any.
.-= lola sharp´s last blog ..Critique Group Update... =-.
A definite possibility. From our dizzy height it was hard to tell...
I love the ones that have their suspension lowered so much that they have to crawl over speed bumps and still bottom out. Or the ones who drive like little old ladies because they've been busted and fined so heavily that they're in danger of losing their cars. Silly badgers.
.-= Captain Dumbass´s last blog ..I Am... =-.
Worst case scenario is an old lady driving like a badger.
I kinda want to go for a ride in that car. Not because of the car, but to get a look inside the badger's head. Or you could tell us more about him next week. That would be better because I get motion sick.
.-= Cheri @ Blog This Mom!´s last blog ..A Cell Phone for Me: A Guest Post by Laura* =-.
If the story develops I'll be sure to tell more!
.-= Mo´s last blog ..I’ve never seen a badger move so fast =-.
Were there any window decals with Japanese writing on them? I have it on good authority those make Mitsubishis go faster.
.-= Eric´s last blog ..A Different Type of Hedge Fund =-.
I think there were actually, the car must been REALLY fast.
I thought for sure that he would click his key fob and the Mitsubishi would go up in a massive fireball! Are you sure that didn't happen?
.-= beta dad´s last blog ..Butching It Up for the Daddy Playdate =-.
Sadly not. But we can only hope.
I think that's a little unfair to badgers. I like badgers! They have fat bums.
Did your Mitsubishi driver have a fat bum?
Like I say, it was hard to tell from the windows above. I wouldn't say he had a small bum though!
I quite enjoyed the visual you gave me on this one!
.-= blueviolet´s last blog ..Even Ladies in the Animal Kingdom Don't Want It =-.
I aim to please ;)
Badgers! Perfect little creatures to help me wake up in the morning while sipping my cup of coffee before going to wok (Animal planet, Wildlife SOS). Driving cars? Mot so often, I guess...
.-= Minka´s last blog ..Highlights of the Week =-.
The badgers sip your coffee? Now that's surely not on.
Yeah, I know, I know... no, badgers do silly things while I'M SIPPING my cup of coffee. If they were sipping it - well that would be pretty sily too ...
.-= Minka´s last blog ..Highlights of the Week =-.
I would picture a badger driving an MG or something like that.
.-= secret agent woman´s last blog ..My USA? =-.
Yeah, I too was slightly surprised to see one with a Mitsubishi.
Ha! No doubt in my mind that Toad would have loved it... he was after all "an ass". ;-)
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