Curing hiccups and preventing alien invasions can easily go hand in hand
Angry I was, and fuming like the most polluting chimney in the darkest, dirtiest, dingiest corner of Glasgow.
The heartburn was kicking in, scorching pain ran through my chest, the airways were disrupted; it was worse than an Icelandic ash cloud.
I’d had hiccups for a full hour and this had, for some reason or other, led onto heartburn, which I get occasionally, usually when I’m stressed or breaking another world record for prolonged hiccups.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you’re blaming the beer, but you’re wrong. I had consumed nothing more than two glasses of champagne and a cup of leek and potato soup, so shut your collective cake-hole.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, hold your breath you say. Or drink water upside down. Or do something which will distract you, like juggling flaming Samurai swords whilst inching backwards across a wire strung haphazardly over a lake of irritable alligators. Or whatever else the old wives tell you in their tales that will cure hiccups.
Dammit, I thought, as I was settling down to enjoy a book despite the hiccups. The following day was bin-day and I had forgotten to take the trash out front.
In England the bin men are generally supposed come weekly, on a set day and, I assume, at roughly the same time. This is apparently quite tricky. It is not uncommon for the bin men to inexplicably miss out a week, or arbitrarily shift the collection day about, or do anything they can to thwart the rest of us. So it’s not unusual for refuse sacks full of potent nappies (diapers) to sit outside for an extra week, festering and polluting the atmosphere.
On the upside, at least it’ll stop the aliens from invading...
Blimey old chap. This Earth place doesn’t half stink, it’s more or less the Universe’s sink estate. Let’s leave them wallowing in their filth and invade somewhere nicer, where our kids can go to decent schools and we can sit out on the patio, drinking copious amounts of wine, without having to peg our noses.
I wretched, I stumbled, gagging and spluttering as I methodically extricated two weeks’ worth of stinking sacks from the refuse area and took them out front for the neighbours’ enjoyment and pleasure.
And then it dawned on me. The hiccups had stopped and the aliens hadn’t invaded. I’ve discovered a rudimentary but effective way to obtain uninterrupted terrestrial peace, prosperity and best of all, make readily available a sure-fire cure for hiccups.
All we have to do is reduce bin-collection frequency.
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Oh the vagaries of the trash collectors. We are supposed to have heavy trash pick-up once a month. Our day is supposed to be the second Friday only they will invariably show up on the Thursday BEFORE the second Friday. I think it might be their attempt to lessen the work load. Most of us have it all figured out by now but invariably there is someone who ISN"T paying attention and they put their stuff out after the truck has been by.
.-= ellen abbott´s last blog ..guiding =-.
Typically, that's all so typical. Which reminds me, it's collection day tomorrow.
hiccups are the worst....
our trash is always picked up on Friday morning....however that doesn't mean they will take everything. if it is too heavy, too awkward (in shape), too tall etc...they simple leave it on your stoop for all the world to see.
.-= Courtney´s last blog ..to show the bump or to not show the bump....that is the question =-.
You're right, hiccups are a nightmare, nothing makes me angrier apart from perhaps uncollected trash. But hey, there's too much good coming out of this to be angry.
I'm sorry to hear about the probing of your cake hole. Good grief mate, well at least you gained this valuable knowledge.
I'm not sure if I like the idea of having an edible currency. On the one hand, it means you don't have to buy food, you just eat money. One the other hand, as I'm always hungry I'd certainly eat myself into bankruptcy.
Still, I'm surprised the aliens actually eat dirty nappies. I always thought they would be clinically clean types.
hmmm
so is your new project to bottle used diaper scent blended with refuse stress as a hiccup cure-all?
I can't wait for the adverts to start airing.
airing.
get it.
.-= Tristan Robin´s last blog ..Funkalicious Flower Power Crafting Blog Giveaway! =-.
That wasn't my new project, but I may have to steal your idea and then air some adverts.
They truly are the devil, that's for sure.
I recommend it, you should try it some time. Hopefully you won't get hiccups from it. But if you do, you know what to do...
That's a pretty nasty trick, putting rocks in the trash can. Bwahahaha. I'll have to try that.
Pleasure. Hopefully I'll have bought us enough time for you to finish your Death Star.
Someone told me once that when you get the hiccups, simply tell yourself how much you love them and they will go away. Yes, this bizarre Spock-ish trick works. I would love to say blimey old chap but could never pull it off.
.-= JennyMac´s last blog ..My husband might be hiring =-.
I'd never thought about trying reverse psychology on hiccups. Worth a shot I guess.
I was all set to comment on the dirty diaper hiccup cure, but then I saw the comment on the cake hole and now I can't think of anything else.
Cake hole.
priceless.
.-= Michel´s last blog ..I'm Sorry...It's WHAT Day??? =-.
I'm disappointed that you have shut your cake hole and have nothing to say on the hiccup cure
Although to be fair, I don't think much investment is required!
I had always wondered why I never suffer with hiccups. I live in the Middle East and ins'allah they may collect the rubbish tomorrow - it could be next week or they may just forget you altogether. Next time I call to complain I will thank them for the lack of hiccups and alien invasions... I am sure they'll understand!
I'm thinking of moving to the Middle East...
I think the world record for hiccups is, and I'm not joking, something like 2 years straight. Can you imagine how cranky we would be? I hate the hiccups...I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks they're insufferable.
.-= TheKitchenWitch´s last blog ..Seven Hours Alone--*Update* =-.
I can't imagine if I'm honest with you, that would be terrible, like one drawn-out Jeremy Paxman interview or something.
I did it for the team my friend, that was all I was thinking about.
The amazing thing is - in these times of cut-backs and budget discipline how quickly your words were read and the acted upon. Even before the ink was dry on the digital page (in fact about six months before the ink was dry) my local council had introduced fortnightly bin collections. You may not have given them the idea, but no doubt you have given them the excuse. Salvation from alien invasion - it's what I pay my Council Tax for.
I should really be more careful. They'll be adopting bi-monthly or even by-yearly collections soon, just to keep the aliens away.
Which is why I use cloth diapers myself. Wait, that's not what I meant...
.-= Scope´s last blog ..Jonesing For Pain: Part I =-.
Hmm, so WHAT did you mean old chap?
We call 'em trash men over here (screw being politically correct) and in Texas, where it's blazing hot 9 months of the year, they come twice a week. Or, at least they did in my neighborhood. Here in Ohio, where it is freezing cold 9 months of the year, they come and pry the stuff off of the curb once a week.
So, no giving them ideas with this once-every-fortnight business, hmmmm?
.-= Jan´s last blog ..Roasted Corn and Black Bean Salsa =-.
Sorry, I think it might be too late.
I despise having hiccups. Hate it.
Do you pay for your trash collection? Those buggers should be consistent if you do. If it's gov't work, well then, lucky they come right?
.-= amy2boys´s last blog ..Weekly Winners - Camping Edition =-.
Nah we don't pay, well we do pay, monstrously, but through our taxes!
Calling it a bin sounds so much classier than trash or garbage. We ought take a lesson from you in two ways: one on terminology, the other on a cure for the hiccups.
.-= blueviolet´s last blog ..What Happened In Ohio Goes On The Blog =-.
Well, I am a classy guy...
I've never thought of taking out the trash as a cure for hiccups, but if it works... I'll give it a go.
Here we have recycle too... but they don't always do recycle on the first trip past. I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to haul what feels like an empty recycle bin back up the long drive, then later find it still full and two weeks left before they come back to confuse me again. I think our garbage men might be aliens.
.-= ananda girl´s last blog ..UNCLE EWALD'S FARM =-.
That makes a whole lot of sense. Explains why the bin men arrive in a flying saucer anyway.
Maybe the hiccups were telling you to drink beer and not champagne?
.-= The Urban Cowboy´s last blog ..Online Predators and Internet Stalkers =-.
Could be, could be. I have a beer now, and I have no hiccups. So it is a result.
Our trash gets collected when it gets collected - I think it's on Monday - and it sits there until it's gone, no problem with that ... recycling and all ... but then - we are missing that one hiccup cure! I knew there must be another way to cure it! Do you think Earth would be jumping if everyone had a hiccup at the same time?
.-= Minka´s last blog ..Bloggers' Meeting =-.
I'm not sure, but we should give it a try. As a start, how about you and I hiccup away at 19:00 GMT tomorrow?
I'm the bin man in our house because my dad decided the regular bin men were charging too much for their service, and as I am free labor and an inhabitant in his house, I help the bottom line by taking the unwanted things away.
The people who name things in our town re-named the Dump, the Transfer Station and Recycling Center. It's supposed to make us feel less humiliated or something.
I've never seen anyone there with the hiccups, truth be known.
.-= Elise´s last blog ..Carved Fishes =-.
This whole "pay for bin men" thing is vexing me. We pay monstrous taxes to employ men who don't collect when they should do. You pay monstrous fees for guys to collect your trash. Why don't I pay you to collect mine? Bwahahah.
What if the aliens don't have noses?
That pretty much "blows" a hole in your theory if you ask me.
.-= San Diego Momma´s last blog ..Close Encounter =-.
I can always rely on you for a bit of brilliance.
Mo, this is genius. As always. So why is it that you are writing here for free? Hmm? You deserve to be published, my friend.
.-= Cora´s last blog ..Congratulations…. I think…. ?.... =-.
For free? I work for the aliens love, they pay me five quid a month to promote their brand.
Collective cake hole? Excuse me, I do not think so.
Are you saying that you don't believe in one, or don't agree with one? Believe you me, there is a collective cake hole, so you should believe in it...
Nothing like hiccups to make you appreciate the times when you don't have hiccups.
.-= Eric´s last blog ..Recent Race (Gara Ubriaco) =-.
Our trash gets picked up every Friday, recycling every other Friday and if you leave really big stuff or brush out they will send a truck around pretty promptly. It's one service we have that is actually excellent.
Champagne and potato leek soup - what an interesting combo.
.-= secret agent woman´s last blog ..Random 10, except almost a third deal with hygiene so it's not completely random. =-.
My trash collector hates me. He's had to "red tag" my bin 3 times because I put too much stuff or the wrong kind of stuff (rocks, construction debris) in it. I wouldn't mind so much, but I've happened to be there every time, and he always lectures me.
.-= beta dad´s last blog ..I Had to Kill the Dingo to Move the Mountain =-.
Thanks for saving us, Mo.
.-= Captain Dumbass´s last blog ..Don't Stick Your Finger In There! =-.
You're a genius! Just wait till the Nobel Prize committee hears about this. You're a shoo-in. And you might want to donate some of the prize money to a retirement home for bin men.
.-= injaynesworld´s last blog ..injaynesworld it's your "Sunday Recap..." =-.
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