Angry I was, and fuming like the most polluting chimney in the darkest, dirtiest, dingiest corner of Glasgow.

The heartburn was kicking in, scorching pain ran through my chest, the airways were disrupted; it was worse than an Icelandic ash cloud.

I’d had hiccups for a full hour and this had, for some reason or other, led onto heartburn, which I get occasionally, usually when I’m stressed or breaking another world record for prolonged hiccups.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you’re blaming the beer, but you’re wrong. I had consumed nothing more than two glasses of champagne and a cup of leek and potato soup, so shut your collective cake-hole.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, hold your breath you say. Or drink water upside down. Or do something which will distract you, like juggling flaming Samurai swords whilst inching backwards across a wire strung haphazardly over a lake of irritable alligators. Or whatever else the old wives tell you in their tales that will cure hiccups.

Dammit, I thought, as I was settling down to enjoy a book despite the hiccups. The following day was bin-day and I had forgotten to take the trash out front.

In England the bin men are generally supposed come weekly, on a set day and, I assume, at roughly the same time. This is apparently quite tricky. It is not uncommon for the bin men to inexplicably miss out a week, or arbitrarily shift the collection day about, or do anything they can to thwart the rest of us. So it’s not unusual for refuse sacks full of potent nappies (diapers) to sit outside for an extra week, festering and polluting the atmosphere.

On the upside, at least it’ll stop the aliens from invading…

Blimey old chap. This Earth place doesn’t half stink, it’s more or less the Universe’s sink estate. Let’s leave them wallowing in their filth and invade somewhere nicer, where our kids can go to decent schools and we can sit out on the patio, drinking copious amounts of wine, without having to peg our noses.

I wretched, I stumbled, gagging and spluttering as I methodically extricated two weeks’ worth of stinking sacks from the refuse area and took them out front for the neighbours’ enjoyment and pleasure.

And then it dawned on me. The hiccups had stopped and the aliens hadn’t invaded. I’ve discovered a rudimentary but effective way to obtain uninterrupted terrestrial peace, prosperity and best of all, make readily available a sure-fire cure for hiccups.

All we have to do is reduce bin-collection frequency.





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