The Fury of the Porcelain Gods
He stood there in solitude, uncertain and uncomfortable. Not actual solitude mind, the palace was packed, but it was as though, in his mind and awkward state of indecision, he was all alone.
Blue woollen jumper straight off the Marks & Spencer shelf, a checked shirt poking out the top and hanging out the bottom, the dishevelled look of chap who had reluctantly given in and allowed his wife to stock his wardrobe.
He had a paper with him, The Daily Mail, preciously hugged as though the world depended on its bold headlines and scaremongering drivel.
There were three comfort stations, porcelain thrones, wall-mounted in grimy glory. To the left, taken, to the right, taken, only the middle one was available, and when I say available, I mean at a squeeze.
Blue Jersey was haltering, he wanted to go, needed to go, but he knew the rules of male restroom etiquette. Always have at least one free urinal either side of you. But I had to go, City were playing Spurs, it was half-time and you know what beer is like. To take the middle urinal would violate protocol, you should always spread out. Everyone knows that, well, every man knows it, I can't vouch for the female kind, but at least they know it now.
Eons ago the porcelain gods decreed, letting the universe know what was to be, setting in stone the restroom rules that we have today. I defied them, I had to. Besides, they don’t really exist do they? The porcelain gods I mean, this is a rational age after all. So I squeezed into the middle slot and defied the gods. Blue Jersey wasn’t happy as he clutched his paper for dear life, not only had I broken the rules but I had queue-jumped to boot.
And the porcelain gods? There's nothing like a bit of punitive revenge.
Mind the step, the sign said, mind the step I didn’t.
Comments
Someone should do an ethnography.....
Do you think it's proximity? What if building codes were changed to require a certain amount of distance - would this phenomenon disappear?
I am filled with dread wondering what you mean in the last two sentences. Some horrible disaster?
.-= g´s last blog ..How the other half gardens =-.
I think the building codes being changed is an excellent idea. Horrible disaster? Define horrible and I'll tell you!
So you didn't mind the gap, eh? Take a spill, did you? Have to get a shot (not the alcoholic kind) afterwards to ward off the sepsis?
but I had queue-jumped to boot.
That is living dangerously. While you are standing there holding your Johnson three or four of the kindly drunk men might decide to educate you.
.-= Jack´s last blog ..They Have What I Want =-.
And education is never easy, always a steep learning curve. I guess I was fortunate.
Hanging hose in close proximity to another 'hose' dregs up all kinds of issues for you boys, eh? Fascinating.
But the splatter issue someone mentioned above? Ewww!!!
.-= lola sharp´s last blog ..Rules, Style, Abuse, Oh My! =-.
Yeah, the splatter issue still has me shuddering too. Horrible thought.
Restroom etiquette is something that cannot be ignored. I see why/how you needed to flaunt the rules, however, now you're going to have to move and/or never return to that restroom.
I don't make the rules.
This is why I NEVER use public restrooms. I believe in quality time to myself!
.-= Michel´s last blog ..I've Been Busy!!! =-.
I never thought you were the one that made the rules, but now at least I can sleep at night knowing that it definitely wasn't you.
Always, always indeed, there's no escaping that fact. But I still try.
Fair? Whose side are you on?!
My husband was good enough to inform me of this rule a few years ago. (He grew up in New York City so it seems that the phenomenon, at least in his circles, has crossed the Atlantic.) He's also told me of guidelines that involve never speaking or making any eye contact whatsoever while using a urinal. Luckily, I don't think I'll have much cause to put these rules into practice.
.-= Kristen @ Motherese´s last blog ..Come On Baby, Light My Fire =-.
I'm not aware of any female protocol other than it's rude to ignore a request for toilet paper from the next stall. I can understand the male need for distance, after all, you are doing a private thing relatively publicly.
Rude to ignore perhaps, but a bit of an oversight to end up with no paper, or to misjudge the amount of paper. But I'll let you off.
Haha!
Mo, subsection 27b of the urinal code stipulates that if all others are taken, you may proceed to the empty one in your emergency situation.
Everyone please note also that there is NO TALKING in the mens' room. There could a fire combined with an earthquake and tornado combination and perhaps you just won the lottery also, and there will still be NO. TALKING.
.-= Eric´s last blog ..The Stars At Night (Stelle Della Notte) =-.
27b? Good grief, my code only goes up to 26d. Nobody sent me the latest revision. I'm going to lodge a complaint with the urinal code department.
You must have been desperate! I'm so thankful that us women don't have to squat next to each other with no walls to separate us I get uptight enough when people get too close to me in grocery store lines!
.-= Rochelle´s last blog ..Happy Mother's Day Mom! =-.
You and me, I think we're quite alike. When someone walks too close behind me in the street I hate it so much that my personal space is being invaded that I have been known to glare.
If we waited in the U.S. for there to be a urinnal between every user, we'd spend our lives waiting in lines.
However, I agree with the above comment - NO TALKING in the men's room. I suppose that's to accommodate those who are desperately attempting to hear 12 people peeing at one time.
.-= Tristan Robin´s last blog ..So, We Have The Caption Winners! =-.
No talking is very important, I'm glad to see that you agree.
The old Mile High Stadium didn't have individual urinals, it had these huge long troughs. Distance between men was kept at a distinct arms width.
.-= Skylers Dad´s last blog ..This Mothers Day, Remember the wise lessons of the great sage, Mr. T! =-.
Like in Ghostbusters, whatever you do, don't cross the streams!
.-= Eric´s last blog ..The Stars At Night (Stelle Della Notte) =-.
Do you mean a "cubit" then?
Who knew men were so complicated?
.-= Cactus Petunia´s last blog .. =-.
You didn't? I'm surprised, you generally tend to know these things.
Heh.
There's only one rule I can think of for the women's restroom and that's: Don't tell men what really goes on in there.
.-= Alyson´s last blog ..A moment like this =-.
I've known you were all keeping something back all along.
And NEVER look down...
.-= The Urban Cowboy´s last blog ..Going Scuba Diving =-.
And especially not down and along!
I hate to even bring this up, but here in the US, specifically, Wrigley Field, home of the Chicago Cubs, they have what resembles a trough along the wall in the men's room. (At least they did the time I snuck in there to pee because I was a little drunk and had to go REALLY bad and the line for the ladies' was far too long, but that's not my point.) My point, if I had one at all, was that there were a bunch of drunken men standing shoulder to shoulder peeing in a trough. I was scarred for life. :)
.-= blognut´s last blog ..Even Anderson Cooper Comes With Red Flags =-.
Don't worry, we haven't noticed.
;)
I had no idea there was urinal etiquette - but then again, you Brits seem to have etiquette for everything.
I'm trying to figure out - did you fall down or did your team lose?
.-= Jan´s last blog ..It Just Goes To Figure… =-.
My team (Spurs) did win, and a crucial game at that. I did fall down, but not too badly!
This may teach me more about gentlemen and their toilet habits than I ever thought was possible. But then, I rarely go into them, except by special request.
.-= Madame DeFarge´s last blog ..First Roast Your Chicken =-.
Um, I'm not *quite* sure how to respond to that one...I'll let it slide...
Public pisseries are not for the faint-hearted.
I should mention that the porcelain gods also dictate that if there is even one person behind you, you will not be able to complete your mission, even with proper spacing. With eyes piercing the back of your neck. no amount of humming, whistling and being nonchalant will work. The pressure is on and it ain't going to happen dude.
Nothing equals stepping up to the urinal and sliding about. More pressure, since everyone in the place will see you do it. It is even worse at the beach...no shoes and all.
Having never read the manual, I wasn't aware of the left-right-beside rule. This explains many things that have happened in my public pissery escapades. Thanks for the tip.
With your vast knowledge of the porcelain gods, I'm surprised that you haven't read the manual.
.-= Mo "Mad Dog" Stoneskin´s last blog ..The Fury of the Porcelain Gods =-.
Gads, you caught me...it's true, my knowledge has been obtained by on the job training. It was started very early on by my mom. But with therapy and your new found manual, I can probably whip this demon and get a hand on it. Thanks again Mo.
As long as you keep your eyes straight forward and your elbows in, you usually escape unscathed I find.
Wise words my friend, but nobody is EVER safe in a packed gents. Best to be wary.
I don't know the rules for men's bathrooms, thankfully. Women value privacy in the bathroom and so this sort of thing isn't an issue.
.-= secret agent woman´s last blog ..Garden work. =-.
I'd recommend reading them though, just in case.
.-= Mo "Mad Dog" Stoneskin´s last blog ..The Fury of the Porcelain Gods =-.
Mo, you did violate the rules, as layed out in the video in this blog post:
http://scope-tech.blogspot.com/2009/01/male-restroom-etiquette.html
.-= Scope´s last blog ..It's An Illusion =-.
Haha, fantastic stuff buddy
I'm surprised at the prudery. After all, don't men engage in pissing contests?
.-= ellen abbott´s last blog ..baby food =-.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
I hate it when there are many open stalls and someone decides to use the stall right next to me. I know it's not the same as men using urinals next to each other, but still annoys me.
Back in college, I remember the floormates talking about wearing their roommates slippers/shoes when going to the restroom to disguise who was taking a dump in the stalls.
.-= p-huong´s last blog ..So close... =-.
What a fabulous trick. If only I had thought of that.
there has got to be a way for me to use this info to my benefit.
.-= jessica´s last blog ..Happy Nueve De Mayo =-.
Hmm, well if you disguise yourself as a man you could go into the gents and break ALL the rules.
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