John Smith and the Blue Mackintosh
Clad in a shabby blue mackintosh, the elderly rogue slurped his John Smith’s in a spectacularly irritating fashion. With sensibilities as delicate as mine I am indisputably in a position to judge.
He would take mind-numbingly long sips, lasting for ten seconds flat, i.e. well over the average one second “beer sip threshold” and then, in a manner which implied a lifetime habit and decades upon decades of soul-destroying practice, he finished each monster slug with a peace-shattering slurp, all the while crossing and re-crossing his legs.
Now when I say slurp, I don’t mean the way people (despicably and controversially) slurp their tea, which is bad enough as it is, violating unarticulated drinking protocol with astonishing acts of flagrant slurpage. It was far beyond this, he took it to the next level, sort of smacking his lips and kissing them with such extravagance that he could be invited to a rudeboy convention as a prize exhibit. He finished the procedure by chattering his teeth and sniffing, conspiring to produce the kind of sound that, I imagine, a wild boar would make after gorging on lemon meringue pie.
It was all too much to handle, so I let my eyes wander across the pub, searching desperately for something to focus on, something which would distract me sufficiently enough so that I could enjoy the rest of my pint.
My gaze settled on five coat hooks, amateurishly packed onto a bit of wood so rotten it must have been pulled out of a ditch. Hanging on one of the hooks was a solitary leather coat, well-worn and grubby. I focussed on it intently, counting and re-counting the hooks and wishing I was cool enough to go for the Matrix look.
Finally the slurper left, peace at last. The barman caught my relief.
“Nice chap,” he said, shaking his head in empathy, “but very, very irritating.”
Comments
You, good Sir, are a gentleman. When I need visual distractions in a pub, I tend to look at women's breasts (or "B(.)(.)Bs" as I like to write it), not coat hooks.
But I suppose if the place were lacking talent and there wasn't a TV on...
.-= Scope´s last blog ..Never Forget… =-.
Is Cora planning on reading this thread?! ;)
The Matrix look is definitely best left to...um, pie eating wild boars. Back away from the duster.
Slurping sounds are never good, especially when eating pie.
.-= lola sharp´s last blog ..Ain't No Rest For the Wicked...or TGIF! =-.
You know what, I could really do with a pie right now, it would be exactly what I need. Pie and a pint.
you could TOTALLY pull off the Matrix look.
At least Trinity....
.-= Slyde´s last blog ..Summer Lovin’ =-.
As always, I love your comments most because of how affirming they are...
Mo, you are uncannily astute. Indeed it probably was Charleston. I can tell you he has been seen on numerous occasions making loud obnoxious slurping sounds with his legs. Hence the repeated crossing. It wasn't the beer, dude...that part is a ruse.
Uncannily astute or astutely uncanny? I'll take either as a compliment. Until this point I thought it was Mr Charleston, now I'm suspecting a conspiracy against Mr Charleston, led by you of course. Anyone who speaks of "obnoxious slurping sounds" originating from legs must clearly be someone speaking from experience...
*blink*
IT WAS YOU WASN'T IT?!
Sounds like a chubby kid trying to finish up his ice-cream so that he can return to play. Just giddy with the thought of going down the slide one more time. I wonder where this fellow was off to. My guess is that he had a Lemon Meringue pie waiting at home. It's the little things that makes life pleasurable.
Slurping/open mouth chewing, definitely one in the same. I'd like to place anyone who is a continual violators of said crimes next to my mother, she'd bitch-slap them into recognition.
.-= Harmony´s last blog ..Sh!t happens and there is nothing we can F@cking do about it. =-.
I'd like to place them all on the Isle of Wight and stop all the ferries. Maybe we could also relocate your mother to the Isle of Wight. That would be perfect.
There is nothing worse than a slurper... maybe a nose-picker but that's about it!
.-= Eternally Distracted´s last blog ..There's a reason why I behave the way I do... =-.
Of course, a slurping nose-picker would really be too much.
Great tip about the coat hooks!
.-= Matthew Needham´s last blog ..How to create your dream chart =-.
There's ALWAYS something to distract you, always. Coat hooks were good, but anything will do. Admire a chair leg, count patterns on the sofa or wallpaper, anything really.
I'll be back soon I hope!
Oh Whew! I thought perhaps someone had slurped just once too often, you snapped, and were now locked up in jail! You know your fans would bail you out...eventually. ;->
.-= Rochelle´s last blog ..Fun with Polaroids =-.
Well it's good to know, and if all others fail, at least I can count on you...
I feel like we need to develop a new job where people are hired by the government to be "Maker-Awarers." Their sole purpose would be to walk around and tell others when they're being obnoxious, but have no idea. And no one could get offended, cause that's their JOB, yo.
.-= LiLu´s last blog ..Dammit, the Smelly Kid is… ME! =-.
I've always believed that. I'd be a great government policy-maker when it comes to protocol.
I wonder at the leg crossing. And why couldn't he put his teeth back in like normal people?
.-= Madame DeFarge´s last blog ..Ladies Who Launch =-.
Maybe he needed a wee.
I don't mind slurping liquids quite as much as smacking sounds from eating solids.
Being of advanced years, and seen/heard/read just about everything at this point, I'm not easily skeeved out. But if I'm sitting anywhere near a food smacker (or, God forbid, and open-mouth chewer), I have been known to request/demand another table away from the offending party.
.-= Tristan Robin´s last blog ..Relaxing After the Holiday Weekend ... =-.
I think this post drew out of you a little bit more of the true Tristan than usual and I'm glad. We should go for a pint and talk about protocol violators.
You too Asphodel (the name I know you by!), I never forget a blogger and I'm glad you're blogging again, I'll be over shortly.
Good grief. Normally you're quite, um, gently critical of my complaints, but it looks like this time you and I are well and truly in agreement. We should talk more about this and maybe write a rule book.
Funnily enough, after all this LM talk, the truth is that while I wouldn't say no to a slice, I'm not that bothered by it.
I think if we ever ate together you would look at me with the same mixture of pity, disbelief and irritation that my husband does. The man holds chocolate in his hands and it doesn't melt. It's disturbing actually.
Your husband and I sound very similar. In fact, from this tiny picture that you have provided, you and my wife are perhaps quite similar. Chocolate doesn't melt in my hands, drinks don't spill, keys don't get lost, sneezes don't occur in public, you name it, it won't ever happen with me...genetic material?
Flagrant indeed. A single slurp, no matter how quiet, is enough to push me over the edge.
Maybe he's got a sinus thingie going on...
Hope your week is not getting the best of you Mo.
.-= Pseudo´s last blog ..Random Tuesday: Random Guide to Some Local Humor =-.
Thanks for you concerns...I'll be back.
Old men need more and better filters in general, but most especially when they're slurping their beer! Why, chugging is entirely more appropriate where ale is concerned, isn't it?
.-= Fragrant Liar´s last blog ..Pirate Hooker =-.
Chugging is exactly what he should have been doing. Do you chug?
I reckon it might have been the barman's and let me tell you this, he's not your type...
I want to know how you know that wild boars like lemon meringue pie. (I make a fantastic lemon meringue, if I do say so.)
.-= amy2boys´s last blog ..Farm Fresh Green Beans Amandine =-.
I don't "know" about the typical taste of wild boars, I have to be honest with you there, but it makes sense doesn't it?!
Scope.... You've seen all kinds of b(.)(.)bs, haven't you? *wink
Mo this was a crack up. Slurping is gross. Plus, I think it could cause hiccups....
.-= JenJen´s last blog ..Can You Help Me With Any of These? (Probably Not...) =-.
It might do, but that shouldn't bother you as if I remember correctly you know THE cure.
I'll bet he had a voice like Gilbert Gotfried. You should be thankful he didn't shout something out in that screeching whine voice.
.-= Eric´s last blog ..Big Round Numbers (Un Centinaio e C’ho il Dente Avvelenato) =-.
Believe you me, I'm thankful all right. That would have been the whining on the cake.
I know that guy. He was at Starbucks the other day when I was working on an assignment.
.-= Colleen´s last blog ..Found Objects =-.
You have to take the red pill before your cool enough for the matrix look.
.-= The Urban Cowboy´s last blog ..What Is Memorial Day The History of Memorial Day =-.
I did know that, but had forgotten, so at least you've reminded me and next time when I'm considering my blue and red options I'll know what to do.
Yes, but using my uncanny, Miss Marple-like powers of observation and deduction I surmise that the leather coat, since it clearly didn't belong to you, MUST have belonged to him.
So, in conclusion, we learn that whilst he may have been irritating and slurped his beer, HE was in fact cool enough to pull off the Matrix look.
In actual fact, as I think about it, I suspect that the coat may have belonged to the barman. Take that Miss Marple.
I am most definitely anti-slurpage too - makes my skin crawl. Unless they've just been rescued from a desert island and haven't had water in weeks -- and even then I don't really see a reason for slurping it all about.
.-= Rochelle´s last blog ..The Next Stage =-.
Exactly, there is NO EXCUSE.
Seems to me this guy has figured out a way to piss off the entire bar without getting his ass beat.
He slyly watches his annoyed fellow patrons as he takes another long, noisy, slurp, all the while struggling within to hide his emmence pleasure. How much more entertainment could a fellow want?
From what I gather he does that every day. He isn't you by any chance is he?
Quite funny that you were not alone in your characterization!
.-= blueviolet´s last blog ..Reason #1 for Being in Chicago Last Week =-.
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