Flippant, inexplicable and determinedly puerile. Unprovoked he swung round, cocked his head back and grinned. An evil, leery grin. To be fair it wasn't really a grin, more of a grimace or a snarl, almost like that of a cartoon villain. I knew exactly what he was about to do and I couldn't believe it. Only seconds before I was on the bus...
...all alone on the upper deck. Outside it was raining heavily, the bus was damp and bitterly cold. Did I say damp? I mean it was wet, very wet. Puddles formed and vanished with the motion of the bus. Drips on my head, drips on my book. I could barely make out the world outside. The windows were misty with droplets running down. Buildings loomed with dark, eerie windows. Eerie, the whole thing was eerie. It was a bit like a scene from a zombie movie but with a noticeable absence of any zombies.
Had I seen him before? Nope. Did he look dodgy? A bit. Was I doing anything other than minding my own business? Not at all. Yet here we were in torrential rain, facing each other like a couple of cowboys. I wasn't scared or even feeling uneasy. I just walked towards him while looking him in the eye. Such a surreal moment in comparison to the lonely and peaceful setting just moments ago...
...where I pumped out the tunes through my mammoth headphones, I had the whole top deck to myself and it was lovely. Sure it was wet, cold, miserable, damn miserable, miserable as the little sodden leaf that clung to the window beside me, but the solitude was strangely refreshing. Lights outside flickered through the droplets on the window. Brake lights, traffic lights, street lights, police lights. Watching them made me dream, thoughts that no one could understand. Hooded and tightly wrapped in my coat I felt comforted. Nothing compares to the comfort of a good coat. (Apart from perhaps a good clean poo).
I stepped off the bus and headed home. I love listening to music while walking in the rain. In the distance I could make out the shape of a man. He walked slowly so I gained on him quickly. He was lugging a huge shoulder bag, wearing a baseball cap and one of those bomber jackets that were slightly cool fifteen years ago. I was five metres behind him when he swung round.
It was the bizarrest thing that has ever happened to me. He was standing the other side of a massive puddle. That's when he grinned, snarled, grimaced or whatever. I knew exactly what he was going to do. The bastard. He, a total stranger, was going to drench me from a puddle using the schoolboy method, i.e. cause an airborne tsunami with a slow, swinging kick through the puddle.
He pulled his leg back slowly as if he was teasing. I picked up the pace and charged morosely at him. I was too wet to care and besides, any retaliation would require puddle-side positioning. He got the timing all wrong and soaked himself. The idiot. As I closed in on the puddle he scampered away into the night.
It's like I've always said. You can never trust anyone in a bomber jacket.
***
P.S. Libby if you stop by again - you missed an absolute riot at Kings Cross on Friday and I even had to confront a total prat on the way home...
The "sequel" to Perdido Street Station, one of my absolute favourites, and I'm enjoying it just as much, if not more so.
The worlds and races Mieville creates are simply superb. If you've not read this series and you like "weird fiction" then please crack on and get reading.
Comments
this is why you should carry mace. Mace with a long reach.
This is why you need a tazer.
Electri-fry the puddle.
I believe the best lessons are those taught in the moment.
With electoshock therapy it appears.
Ha ha, a good lesson :)
I hate rain by the way. It's a lot of fun when you're jumping into the puddles in the summer but now in this cold weather ... I hate it :P
Sounds like a larger, scarier, more imposing version of my daughter Olivia. She can't stay out of a puddle despite what the disciplinary consequence might be.
Oh and rain rain go away. You make me cold and aggravated.
If something like this were to happen to me, my retaliation would be to piss on the guy.
This was an adult? What a jackass. But really, a torrential rain? How much wetter could you get?
Weird how sometimes something this petty and unimportant can really colour your day. Hope a hot bath was had on your returning home. Oh and that he caught one of those really messy headcolds.
:)
You should have shouted at him, kicked him, made fun of his bomber jacket. Something.
Oh, I like the taser idea...
Other than punching him in the face, I can't think of a more fitting ending.
Wow....just, wow.
Ah, justice prevails! You should've chased him down and handed the asshat a towel.
Amateur. Too bad he got away. You should have stopped him, "Here son, stand here. Let me show you how it's done." Splash and run away laughing.
I still can't resist driving through a puddle if I see one.
This was awesome. I hope you are putting together a book of these train and bus stories.
"determinedly puerile" It sounds like it could have been one of my students...
What a bastard! Still, when it's raining that hard it doesn't make much difference, at least not in my town where the gutters are perpetually flooded and any rain means you'll be ankle deep if you have to cross the street.
That is funny right there; almost like a duel but without the prospect of getting sliced in half.
Crap. What you need is a GUN.
I must confess Mo. That stranger was me. There's nothing I like more than drenching someone when they least expect it. It was the cold, OK Corral stare you gave me that caused my aim to be off. But next time...
Wow, a grown man? That's kind of crazy. Your descriptions are excellent by the way. I want to read a book by you.
One more with empathy and fewer typos I think....
What is all this nonsense about a tazer? We didn't flatten Dresden so that we could prod people with electric sticks - a good old fashioned tommy kicking is what's required.
The Daily Heil would side with you, surely? Not sure that's a good thing - just saying.
Another marvellous piece. You encapsulate the parts of life in Britain that I swore I would try to never forget. That's one of the many reasons I enjoy your postings so much.
Only you. . . my friend. . . these things seem to happen only to you. . .
This makes me want to get rid of my bomber jacket...almost.
This is why I always wear a black PVC mac. Or maybe that's some other reason. I forget exactly.
A grown man with such malevolent intentions of splashing people with rain puddles? What a freak.
He must have been a Zombie. A bomber jacket wearing Zombie.
Aged about 25 I once chased a bloke who threw a snowball made of ice with a stone in it at me, like fat bullies used to do at school.
When I caught him I wasn't sure what to do, so also reverted to prebusecent larks and made him eat it.
Still makes me giggle to this day.
Haha this can't have actually happened? You should have chased after him hehe
I'm so glad he soaked himself. Serves him right.
Your adventure back and forth from work is very taxing on you!! LMAO!! The worst problem for me is finding the perfect song on the radio for my short 15 min drive.
My husband had a man from Japan visit for a few weeks at work. His company is opening a store in Japan. And, Tom needed to train him on their accounting system. Anyway...
The point is this poor man rides a train to work packed in like a sardine for 90 minute a day each way to get to his job in Tokyo. Just crazy!!!
Never a dull moment in your travels to and from work! Served him right that he soaked himself instead of his intended target. :)
Serves that guy right. How do these people find you?
I do love the rain. The only thing that could've made that better is if he splashed the water and it went completely over you onto someone on the other side, thereby leaving you dry and him kind of looking stupid. Especially if the other someone who got wet was much bigger. True story.
You Brits really are barking mad! Is this something I might have to worry about next time I am out enjoying a drizzly, moody, music-drenched walk in the rain?
I'm with JennyMac and Scope. Either of those objects would guarantee an excellent vlog at some point...
The nerve! A grown man attempting to puddle-bomb a stranger! Ha ha ha! And you Brits have such a mature, classy, respectable reputation. Pffft!
;-)
(I'm British too, btw. Or my parents are. So I know how we Brits REALLY are. *snicker*)
The only thing that could have been more redeeming would have been if he had lost his shoe in the process.
I love your writing style Mo. xo
Well, makes a nice change from happy slapping.
This is the type of person usually described in court as being ‘disturbed’.
Never make eye contact. No chance of this happening to me... since I dive home and only have to walk from the door to the car at either end of the journey!
Have you ever considered you might have a magnet that draws you to these almost-disasters? I hope you keep it because I love the drama that ensues.
Glad you avoided even more water, but too bad you didn't get him first! It's not too often we adults get to act like children, so we may as well take advantage of the opportunities when they arise, right? (Um, I hope my mom doesn't read this comment. I might get grounded...)
You, my friend, are a weirdo magnet.
Explains why I hang around here so much, doesn't it?
Good to hear you were like Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven and kept your cool in a waterfight. BTW, on BBC I saw a story about a couple that were splashing kids with a car. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you? ;)
A man did this? Not a kid? (giggle) Actually, it's kinda funny. Not that he was going to soak you, no, that's horrible. But the fact he soaked himself instead...that's a riot!!!! :-)
You have some unusual customs on Planet Earth.
How in the world did I miss this in my reader? And now all the good comments are taken! Dammit!
My husband is forever driving through huge puddles and making large splashes when we're in the truck, but I'd knock his block off if he actually did it to a person. But he wouldn't. I don't think.
I thought it was going to be something much worse than that. Glad it wasn't. I love walking listening to music in NYC but not in the rain, sorry
hello again,
I don't know if you like blog awards but there's something for you at my blog :)
Poppy
Wow, I think I'm going to stay on my side of the pond (pun intended). Can't believe that Braja suggested a gun!
Doc Martens - with nails imbedded in the toes
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