There I am, cross-legged on the sheepskin rug upon which my offspring – pretty, gorgeous, delightful – sprinkles her milk, raisins and nasal produce. Can of lager to my right, a couple of laptops in front of me, Blackberry to my left. The TV blares, Barcelona are playing Inter Milan. The game to watch, the game I’m not really watching.
Since we moved a few weeks ago the broadband has worked during the day with the stoic reliability of one of Hannibal’s elephants, but drops its connection during peak evening hours with such ineffable consistency that I could now find the restart button on the router on a dark night during a power cut, even if it was inexplicably sitting in a dark alley surrounded by dark alleycats drinking stout too dark for even Jimmy Bastard to imbibe.
“Listen,” I said, using my best “tearful customer” voice, “it is clear there is a contention issue. The connection is fast, reliable and perfect all the time except during peak evening periods. Then it drops. Until about 11PM, which it re-establishes itself.” But by then I’m too tired to update my Facebook status.
She, that lovely and hard-working “technical support” person, wasn’t too interested in my deduction. If I could try this, that, the other, try this socket and that socket, or experiment with the yellow Ethernet cable.
“But the problem HAS to be contention,” I butted in, fed up of the scripted yakking that was flooding down the phone line, all thirty-six pages of it, making my ears bleed and spoiling the game. “Either the exchange cannot handle the demand OR some of the locals are hogging the capacity.” Flaming students and teenagers.
“We need to monitor the line and do some diagnostics and...”
“Well the connection has dropped now,” I said, taking a swig and glancing forlornly at my seventeen wireless-enabled devices continue to search for a connection.
“It can’t be done in YOUR time,” she said, “it must be done in OUR time.”
“Well I’d suggest getting on with it right now,” I said curtly. Hey, a couple of weeks with no evening Internet is pretty much as bad as it gets.
...
When the “call-back” came I had the worst case of pins and needles since the great sewing-box accident of ’69. The rug may be soft and, even better, padded with raisins, snot and dried milk, but the floor underneath is hard and I hadn’t moved. Other than to take a leak and snatch another can of cheap Dutch lager from the fridge.
“There’s a problem at the exchange,” she said, “an engineer will be out to fix it and will call you in the next 48 hours.”
“Just curious,” I said politely, “what is the problem exactly?”
I listened to her vague and frankly incognisant spiel about switches being a bit like light switches and all that nonsense. Moments later the router re-established its connection and all seventy-four of my wireless-enabled gadgets sprang into life like a herd of mountain gazelle dancing in the joys of Spring.
Presumably there was an “allow customer broadband access during peak times” checkbox on her Customer Details screen.
And they wonder why us Brits are so cynical?
I suppose it could have been the cheap Dutch lager that fixed the problem.
The "sequel" to Perdido Street Station, one of my absolute favourites, and I'm enjoying it just as much, if not more so.
The worlds and races Mieville creates are simply superb. If you've not read this series and you like "weird fiction" then please crack on and get reading.
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It's kinda funny how reliant we are on our 'connection'. I can remember when phones were hard wired in, not to mention modems! You can take away my internet, but you better stay away from my lager! Or is it the other way around now?
.-= The Urban Cowboy´s last blog ..Top 5 Reasons Cinco de Mayo Rocks =-.
No I think you've got it just about spot on there mate!
Way cool! Some extremely
Way cool! Some extremely valid points! I appreciate you penning this article and also
the rest of the website is also very good.
Ah, yes. Tech hell. Reminds me of that great Lily Tomlin bit from "Laugh-In" all those years ago when she'd play the switchboard lady and say: "We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company."
Just substitute "internet" for "phone company" now.
.-= injaynesworld´s last blog ..injaynesworld we revisit "Mother Daughter Outfits..." =-.
Sounds about right.
Hey, you sound suspiciously knowledgeable. You don't actually work in an Indian call centre do you?
One thing I know for sure is that I'm permanently on their black-list.
If you have that many connected bits of electronica, you're going to single-handedly take down the internet! Stop it! ;)
.-= blueviolet´s last blog ..How Dare They? - W/W =-.
I'm kidding, it was probably only three gadgets and that has nothing on the consumption of the teenagers. They were probably downloading Friends series 1-9 (or whatever it went to).
Bravo, my friend! One rarely hears tales of customer service that end with satisfaction. You are a hero.
.-= Gwen´s last blog ..Music and social media have the power to heal. =-.
A hero? Well I better start making a cape.
There is probably a limit though. And clearly no Internet is the most vile.
My Internet dropped tonight and I lost half of a post I had written. (Thank goodness I had at least saved the first half.) I had thought I was particularly funny too ... and all for nothing. I don't know if there's anything quite as frustrating!
.-= Twenty Four At Heart´s last blog ..Boring You On A Semi-Regular Basis =-.
That's why I tend to draft posts in gmail as it seems to auto-save frequently enough!
Send round your offspring, complete with raisins. That'll sort them out.
.-= Madame DeFarge´s last blog ..I Walk the Plimsoll Line =-.
Not just raisins, I'll make sure milk is available too.
.-= Mo´s last blog ..Cheap Dutch Lager =-.
sadly, this was hardly a surprise ending. With all these folks in the US out of work, folks with graduate degrees to boot, this what they hire, ppl like your gal over there.
.-= jessica´s last blog ..They also hacked into my sense of humor =-.
Your sadness gives me warmth. The solidarity is precious.
Nothing turns me off more than calling a customer support number and being put through to soemone who has clearly never heard of the prhras 'customer service'.
.-= Matthew Needham´s last blog ..E-book Pre Order List – Get in Line =-.
All too common unfortunately. Having said that, every now and then I speak to someone in a customer service department who is definitely worth their salt, and I thank them for it!
My internet connection dies when our microwave is on. I'm not even joking.
.-= Cheri @ Blog This Mom!´s last blog ..What Not to Say =-.
Seriously? Have you checked that your phone cables aren't running through the microwave?
Hannibal’s elephants were reliable indeed, more than today's Toyotas for sure.
Can't stand the overseas scripted call centers. I once had a computer problem with an IDE controller on a motherboard. There was exactly zero other explainations, 5 calls later, they sent out a tech with a new motherboard.
.-= Eric´s last blog ..The Stars At Night (Stelle Della Notte) =-.
I'm not sure about internet connectivity issues but cheap Dutch lager has been known to solve a lot of other problems.
And that rug sounds delightful. Do they sell that model at Ikea or is that one especially customized with the nasal products and such? I imagine it to be quite crunchy.
.-= Cate´s last blog ..Regret =-.
I haven't seen the latest Ikea catalog, but it sounds a bit dirty for them.
When I was trying to get DSL in my new condo, I was having problems. They told me that their screen was showing an error. I asked what the error was. They wouldn't tell me. I asked what the error code was, they told me that the error code was, "Proprietary Information." I asked them what my ticket number was for the call? They wouldn't give me that either. Even asked the supervisor. They wanted to know why I wanted to know.
Because I'm your customer, and I therefore I am always right? That didn't work, either.
Normally, here is where I would throw in my "It's the phone cops, Andy. They play hardball." line from WKRP in Cincinnati line. But 3 people on the planet remember that episode, so I won't bother.
.-= Scope´s last blog ..Star Wars Day =-.
So the 3 people are you, Beta Dad and, um, who is the third?!
So your baby isn't one of those tidy little individuals who don't ever leave nasal product behind them, but carefully eat every bit of it? Good for her!
.-= Minka´s last blog ..Imperative =-.
No, she's not that tidy at all. And certainly not with nasal produce.
Not sure how it works in Britain, but here across the puddle, never, ever, sit on the shag and cross the legs whilst in the path of the connectivital broads band and baby snot. Ever. Just a suggestion.
I'll remember your advise when I next cross the puddle.
Ah, the great sewing box accident of '69 :( ... of course, I'm too young to have actually been around at the time, but they still talk about it in voices hushed with sorrow and horror in the Women's Institute.
And we all secretly know that, THAT'S why teachers always shout at us when we run with scissors.
I never knew you were a member of the WI...
But I'm not surprised.
Honey, I've got news for you - wireless connectivity issues and scripted "technical support" is by NO means an issue exclusive to Great Britain.
As for the rug, Beloved and I noted, after a lovely two-day visit from our darling grandson, that we were glad our children were either grown or well-beyond the "puke all over the living room carpet" stage.
Wherein the dog immediately vomited all over it.
You just can't win for losing...
.-= Jan´s last blog ..RTT: The Heavy Breathing and Beloved Rant Edition =-.
Gross. I wouldn't have sat on your rug to sort out the connection problem.
Name names. Who is your service provider? If there is any chance of you not being able to get on-line and post to the blog we need to know so we can add our voices to the outpouring of public outrage.
I appreciate the gesture and solidarity. Let's just say that they are on of the big guns.
An interesting post sir, and a topic of which I used both fingers to read.
It was good to see that at least one person in the UK has managed to poke these monkeys hard with a sharp stick enough for them to sit up and do something about it.
Good for you!
....even though YOU do drink Dutch lager.
.-= Jimmy Bastard´s last blog ..The Leap of Faith =-.
Mate you KNOW that I prefer a dark creamy stout any day. But it's hard to get the good stuff cheap.
I"m so envious.
Here in the U.S., all tech support is routed to Bhārat Gaṇarājya, where we can only describe the issues and hope they are understanding and will solve the problems - because they are incomprehensible and we have no idea what they're spewing.
At least you get worthless service in your own language.
.-= Tristan Robin´s last blog ..Make a Wish Sunday .... =-.
I know I know. And I'm counting my blessings...yeah, right.
now THAT would get me right peeved. I need my internet connection to be constant.
.-= Slyde´s last blog ..I’m A Giver… =-.
I'll bet you do, Gadget Boy!
Scope--I remember the phone cops! And the Thanksgiving turkey drop from the news chopper!
Mo--
I had an hour-long phone conversation with a tech guy because after upgrading to the super-fast fiber optic connection, I was still experiencing DSL performance. He muttered into the phone and had me do a bunch of "tests" on the computers, and then he said he had "optimized" it and the fix would kick in in a couple hours. I was like, "why isn't 'optimized' the default setting?" Just more mumbles in reply. The end result was that I have high-speed internet within 15 feet of the router.
.-= beta dad´s last blog ..Flashback Fridays: The Fall of Saigon =-.
Man I would kill for a stable high-speed connection even if I had to sit one foot away from the router!
Cheap Mexican lager works wonders too. Not for electronics, particularly, but for me!
.-= Vegetable Assassin´s last blog ..Not Hugh Grant =-.
From what I've heard electronics tend to be t-total.
Is there anything cheap Dutch lager CAN'T fix?!
; )
Also, "nasal produce" and "padded with raisins..." made me giggle.
.-= Soda and Candy´s last blog ..Over to You: And now for something completely different... =-.
I'm glad, my work here is done.
Really, is there anything cheap Dutch lager can't fix?
.-= Bev´s last blog ..WTH Am I Lookin' At? =-.
A broken breathalyser?
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