I had only been in the bath for a few minutes before my wife came into the bathroom. Your hair looks lovely, I said. Thanks, she said, I'm trying out a new shampoo.
You can't use it, she said, in a subtle yet firm manner. There was no hint of asperity, but a wiser man would have obeyed. You can keep using that one, she said, with a lipsticky urbanity, pointing at the industrial-strength unbranded tub sitting on the shelf. The kind of shampoo that would strip the hair right off a camel's back.
Yeah yeah, I found myself thinking. It wasn't a deliberate dismissal, more of a knee-jerk reaction from deep within my sub-conscious. I didn't even feel as though I was being disobedient. There may have been a tinge of guilt within my soul, but I felt strangely confident in my own savoir-faire. In retrospect this is worrying.
The moment she left the bathroom I reached for her shampoo. I spent a few minutes goggling at it, like an ostrich at a brass door knob*, or a penguin at a piece of cheesecake**, then I slapped it on my head (the shampoo, not the cheesecake).
I still don't know why I did it. I've always been fascinated by shampoo. A constant barrage of shampoo commercials has burned into my skull the misguided belief that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching me*** the answer lies in shampoo.
I also love newness, like when you open a new bottle of shampoo or bar of soap, or try on a new pair of socks. I dare you to find me one person in this world who does not LOVE putting on new socks.
Later in the day I again commended my wife's hair. It's the new shampoo, she said. The one you're not allowed to use. Foolishly I confessed to her there and then. I don't imagine letting loose a wholehearted guffaw of youthful mischievousness helped the situation.
I can't believe you used my shampoo, she exclaimed. You have a grade 2****, you don't even need to use shampoo!
What could I say? I couldn't defend myself against her logic, so I just shuffled away and made myself a cup of tea.
* I stole this analogy from Wodehouse.
** I made this one up, funny isn't it?
*** I couldn't resist chucking this one in, comes from a Gary Larson panel.
**** I'm a shaven-headed thug.
The "sequel" to Perdido Street Station, one of my absolute favourites, and I'm enjoying it just as much, if not more so.
The worlds and races Mieville creates are simply superb. If you've not read this series and you like "weird fiction" then please crack on and get reading.
Comments
Well, that will teach you, won't it?
So, how long have you been married?
Just over 4 years.
I should have added that it did all end in good humour, with me nearly being tickled to death.
It may be a lesson to her that whenever you tell someody they can't do something or can't use somthing, ultimately that's what they go and do! :D
I think she learnt she needs a lockable cabinet in the bathroom.
Mwahahahaha! Loved this!
I do the same thing. You can't tell me what to do!
Unless of course it comes to money and you're the one who balances the checkbook. Then I just "lose" money and keep it in my wallet for when I REALLY need a latte.
OK, I think I speak for all the women readers here when I say:
WHAT SHAMPOO WAS IT?
Thank you.
Ha ha! Never mess with a woman and her shampoo!
Everything that you find in your bathroom is legal to use. It was in our marriage vows. It should have been in yours as well. Did you read the fine print?
J.
Does your scalp feel all tingly and smell good now?
When will men ever learn? Never, but NEVER, give up the jig until you know she already knows!
As a woman, that is the only true course of action. But, I guess since you're a man, you will not get that.
Geez.
hahahahahahahaha
I LOVE new shampoo, socks, underwear, anything. I wouldn't have been able to resist either!
Yes, what shampoo was it? I'm dying to know.
We don't have any shampoo sharing issues at our house. Hubs is bald, though he is obsessed with my face scrubs and uses them way too much, even though I ask him not to. His usage is in-your-face. But that's because he's passive aggressive.
Sigh. I digress.
aren't us girls so nice, leaving you men with the crappy stuff we don't want anymore?
This shaven-headed thug would like to know how you get off mocking my man-purse when you use girly shampoo?
Talk about living dangerously!
You used her shampoo...on your bald head?!?!?!?
That. Is. Fabulous.
Hah!! Can't hide when you steal scented things!!
Gary Larsen?! One of the funniest people ever...
and it's good to know there are others out there besides myself with the Oppositional Defiance Disorder thing going on...
What were you thinking?
Cowguy is steering you wrong. Your marriage vows said the following:
What's hers is hers, and what's your's is hers.
You are funny!
What else of hers can't you use??
Now that is funny! She should never have forbidden you - that always makes you have to do something.
shit- that was damn funny.
GOod thing you didn't use it on your personal space.
Sounds to me like you were being very sweet, complimenting Mrs. Stoneskin's hair was a great start, owning up to your rule breaking, and to not escalate war by backing down to make your own tea. You should lead seminars, really.
My husband (a grade 1) uses a bar of SOAP! (And hasn't a clue how much I actually spend on shampoo, or he wouldn't let ME use it, either, hahahaha!)
i never say ' you can't use it' casue sure enough he will use it!!
Your blog is at least seven kinds of awesome. I'm so glad Sass featured you!
Brilliant!
And now, as San Diego Momma said, you're also risking the ire of every woman on the internet if you don't disclose the name of the wonder-shampoo. My hair and I are waiting ... ;)
That is hilarous!
Your wife should just be happy that you have good hygiene.
What is IT with men and new? My husband always insists on using whatever is new in the bathroom as well. I have resorted to hiding things. Each and every bathtime. Maybe this is why he stinks now and again....hmmm.
(I'm popping over from Sass's blog where you were given that wonderful award - congrats)
Life on the edge...it's extreme isn't it?
Great story, you have a wonderful imagination.
I am a shampoo sniffer, I always sniff before I buy. Ahh yes, the art of shampoo sniffing..only noobies unscrew the top and stick their nose in.
A truly sophisticated sniffer simply pops the top and gently squeezes the bottle, puffing out wafts of shampoo scented air. True sniffers know that the concentrated smell is unacheivable and highly unrealistic. It's the lingered scent in the air that is obtainable. I mean, come on really...any dimwit can figure that out.
Once while shopping for new shampoo, I demonstrated this method for my sisters..."easy peasy" I tell them. After sniffing a couple of bottles I lose the ability to smell new smells. Eager, to get one last bottle in I pump away at it madly. *pump* *sniff*, *pump* *sniff*...inhaling deeply, filling my nostrils to the brim with the scent of the shampoo. Lost in complete desire, to know the scent.
When I hear "Would you stop doing that...you're getting it all over the floor!" I turned around to see a store employee with a highly disgusted look on her face.
I did what anyone would do...I apologize through uncontrollable laughter.
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